All posts tagged letting go

Remembering Wanda

The community of women that I scrapbook with lost our fearless leader Wanda rather suddenly earlier this month. Going out in style, Wanda passed away on National Scrapbook Day. She had just laid her husband to rest a few months earlier after serving as his primary caregiver for several years. We were all looking forward to this new season of Wanda’s life, where she could rest and relax. But that wasn’t part of God’s plan.

A toast to our courageous cheerleader!

Celebrating Wanda

Today I will be attending Wanda’s memorial service. But a few weeks ago, one of her best friends, and a fellow scrapbooker, opened her home to our scrapbooking community, Wanda’s Croppers, to celebrate Wanda and to share stories of her life. It was a beautiful evening with wonderful food accompanied by a champagne toast to her.

We all shared stores about Wanda going back as far as 40 years when she first met her husband, although most of us met her in the past two decades. Tears and laughter intersected as we grieved and celebrated her life.

The Art of Scrapbooking

As a writer who is also passionate about scrapbooking, my blog has become a reflection of both crafts. I spend time searching out just the right image, captioning them when needed and writing stories that I hope inspire and intrigue others. My scrapbooks aren’t just photos stuck to a page; they are stories and works of art. These creative endeavors go hand in hand for me. So Wanda shows up in a small way every time I publish a new post.

Digital scrapbooking page courtesy of Jenny, my long-time scrapbooking buddy.

Digital scrapbooking page at a retreat with Wanda, courtesy of Jenny, my long-time scrapbooking buddy.

Wanda was a courageous, caring and Godly woman who inspired us to share our legacy and family heritage through the art of scrapbooking. Her legacy touched hundreds if not thousands of people as the passion of storytelling through digital and handmade scrapbooks will be passed down for generations to come. She left a mark on us all.

A Tribute to Wanda

When Wanda’s croppers got together a few weeks ago, I wrote my thoughts down on paper in advance. Below is my tribute to Wanda from what I shared that night. I hope it gives you some inspiration to consider your legacy and treasure the moments you have with those you love.

Pedro’s scrapbook inscription.

“Pedro, May this book serve as a remembrance of the wonderful adventures we shared together in 2010 and mark the start of a summer filled with wonder and awe. Remember—that is what the Lord tells us to do—not to live in the past, but to give us hope for the future and to keep us grounded in His promises. I hope this book serves as a spiritual marker of the wonderful things that God has in store for us if we are open to His leading.”

That is an inscription that I wrote on the inside cover of a digital scrapbook that I gave to Pedro after the first summer he spent with our family. How I toiled over that album. It was my first one with the Creative Memories software. I was rushing at the last minute to upload the files hours before my precious coupon would expire on New Year’s Eve. And Wanda helped me all along the way as she did with subsequent albums as well.

Always at ease behind the camera, and planning that next scrapbooking page in our minds.

That is what Wanda was all about, helping us to preserve our memories—and our stories. So tonight I want to share with you some of my memories of Wanda and what she meant to me.

First of all, I have to admit that the news of her passing hit me pretty hard—surprisingly so. I didn’t consider myself close friends with Wanda like many of you here are. But I greatly admired her. She was a kind and giving soul.

When Pedro’s CD was released, she was one of the first to buy it. She told me how much she enjoyed playing it on her drives over the mountains. She let me play Pedro’s music and sell it at the crops and retreats. The same was true with my book.

CD and book display at one of Wanda’s crops.

I’ll never forget attending her first Open House when she returned back to Western Washington. She took time out of the event to sit down with me and tell me how moved she was by my story. She actually apologized for not saying something to me sooner. No apology was needed. But she wanted me to know. She wanted to have that connecting time.

When Creative Memories (CM) filed for bankruptcy, I reached out to Wanda to pray for her and for the business. I knew it was her passion and financial provision. None of us wanted CM to close its doors, and we didn’t want Wanda to be cut off from her livelihood. I knew what it was like to be a CM consultant. Back when I started scrapbooking, I signed up to be a CM consultant for a few years.

She worked hard at her business. A former teacher, she was the perfect consultant—always doing crop talks and teaching us new tricks and tips. There was never any hard sell or pressure. She was just interested in keeping us motivated to keep working on our scrapbooks.

Sharing my tribute to Wanda.

Wanda was our leader—a cheerleader to be more exact. She fed us, wined us, dined us, and nurtured the parts of us that connected to our families or whatever scrapbooking project we were immersed in. She knew it was important to us and she made it important to her too.

My heart aches for the loss of this woman and the community of memory keepers that she mentored and invested in in sacrificial ways. She will be missed in so many ways by her family and friends. But this group of women will miss her in an entirely different way with a grief that will connect us beyond tonight and beyond Wanda’s public memorial.

Every time we get together again to scrapbook Wanda will be there in spirit. It will be hard to not notice that empty void that she once filled. We unexpectedly got a glimpse into that in February as we gathered at a retreat while Wanda was caring for her husband who had just been put on hospice. He died a few days later. We never imagined that this would soon be her fate as well.

Wanda’s newborn granddaughter.

I thank God that He took her in such a beautiful way, how He timed her departure to be with her husband so quickly, and to see her first grandchild days before she passed away. The time between those few hours when we got the shocking news of her cancer and her passing were surreal to me. It was hard to pray for her when I knew all hope was gone for her recovery. But I prayed for her family and what they were all going through. And then her son gave us all a gift when he posted her tribute on Facebook hours after she passed away. It was as if God wrapped it up with a bow Himself.

Tonight, I’m very grateful that this gathering was planned for us so that we can openly celebrate and grieve the loss of this friend who was so passionate about life, about her family, about her faith, and also about scrapbooking. I know she is looking down from above at us now. I think she is probably taking photos of the entire event and planning a 2-page spread that she can show off to her new friends in heaven. So let’s all stop, look up, and smile for her camera one last time.

Save us a place at the crop in heaven Wanda! We miss you!

Wanda’s Croppers

Today’s memorial service will be surreal once more to be together with Wanda’s Croppers and not have her there with us. I think it will bring us together in a way that maybe scrapbooking couldn’t—in our shared grief. Some of us will create scrapbooking pages in tribute to her. I am choosing to write and craft this tribute to her.

In closing, I’m sharing with you the same scripture I inscribed on Pedro’s scrapbook:

He has caused his wonders to be remembered; the Lord is gracious and compassionate. Psalm 111:4

Wanda was one of those wonders we will always remember.

This post is happily shared with Christian Mommy Blogger/Felllowship Fridays and Missional Women/Faith Filled Friday.

9 Comments

by ardisanelson on May 28, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Relationships & Family

Tagged adapting to change, cancer, celebrations, death, dying too soon, friendship, grieving our losses, hope, leaving a legacy, letting go, relationships, saying goodbye, scrapbooking

Posted by ardisanelson on May 28, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/05/28/remembering-wanda/

When it’s Time to Let go of Our Children

There’s a pain in my heart—not just figuratively, but physically too. My first-born child is moving away after he graduates from college next month. I’ve known for a few months, but it hit me in a new way recently—something I wasn’t prepared for.

Easter Family Time

We had a wonderful time on Easter with my son home from college for the day. We went to church together as a family. We shared our meals together. We talked on and off during the day about his post-graduation moving plans—buying a car, renting a moving van, and looking at apartments online.

It was all very official and business-like. The project manager in me was running wild thinking of all the tasks to do before the official moving day.

While my husband was taking our son back to school, I tucked our other son into bed. We reflected on his older brother’s eminent departure. That was when it hit me—and the pain started. It is an uneasiness that hovers over my heart and tells me to pay attention to what my body is trying to say. It was the first signs of my need to let go.

Living in Uncharted Territory

I’ve lately felt like I am living my life in uncharted territory. My parents both passed away in recent years, more than forty years after their divorce. More than that though is because I didn’t get much guidance from them in my formative years. I was never close to them and my teenage years were rather rebellious. I never really knew what it was like to live in a normal home with two loving parents.

My alma mater

When I left for college at the tender age of seventeen, I didn’t give my mother’s feelings much thought. I just wanted to be out on my own and away from my dysfunctional home environment—one that included an alcoholic stepfather and an unstable and mentally ill mother.

The only extended return home from school was for the holidays my freshman year. There was a fire in my bedroom while I was away at college that first semester. The belongings I left at home were ruined. It was a startling homecoming gift. That was the final straw for me. Goodbye, family!

Turning the Tables

Now the tables are turned. My son is moving away—not just to the university in the city 25 minutes away. He is moving out of state—a short one-hour flight or eight-hour road trip by car. We are packing up his belongings and saying goodbye. He is starting his own life in another state—without any friends or family nearby.

I know our present home environment doesn’t compare to the chaos and emotional unrest that I experienced in my youth. But I also know what it is like to be young and ready to leave the nest.

My son is ready. He is mature. He has done well in school. We are very proud of him.

Letting Go Well

As my heart ached on that evening, I also wondered what it was like for my mother when I left home. Did she care? Did she yearn for me? She wrote me lots of letters while at college. I didn’t appreciate those either.

It is hard to look at myself with this new lens—the one who is letting go of her first-born child. I don’t like what I see—how I treated my mother.

I want to let go well. I don’t want to be like my mother. I don’t want to be a clingy mom either. Like I said, I am living in uncharted territory. I don’t have the answers, but I do recognize the warning signs.

It is time to let go again.

This post is shared with Christian Mommy Blogger/Fellowship Fridays.

4 Comments

by ardisanelson on May 21, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Relationships & Family

Tagged adapting to change, childhood memories, college, family, fear, letting go, parenting, relationships, saying goodbye

Posted by ardisanelson on May 21, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/05/21/when-its-time-to-let-go-of-our-children/

In Search of a Mother’s Love

There is a hunger inside of me sometimes. We are all born with it—the desire for love and relationship. From an early age we are taught in life how and who fills that need. It is generally filled by our parents. In most cases, the responsibility falls on the mother. But what if that mother isn’t equipped to take on that role or isn’t capable of bonding with the child? What happens to the inner need?

The Longing for Love

The need doesn’t go away; we just find other ways to fill that emptiness and hunger for love and relationship—in either healthy or unhealthy ways. I didn’t know that or understand the affects that my mother’s mental illness had on me until about ten years ago when my unhealthy ways of relating and compulsive behaviors finally caught up with me.

I’ve done a lot of healing work and spiritual growth in that last decade. I now serve in a ministry where I can come alongside others who are also struggling with the hurts from the past and seeing themselves as God sees them. Even though I know with my whole heart that Jesus came to give me life and ultimately fill my need for love, there are still times when life can get me down.

I still have a longing to be known and to know others. It is a longing for deep relationship. It is the search for a mother’s love that was lost.

Looking for Love

I’ve lived my whole life this way—being self-sufficient without close siblings and without involvement and emotional attachment from my parents. I didn’t know what I was missing because I didn’t experience it. Now, after a decade of healing and recovery work, I know. I know because I have started to more intensely experience the loss of the women in my life who helped me to heal.

When I started recovery, I had virtually no female friends—only a few through work. I didn’t know how to be a real friend. As I started my recovery journey, I observed real authentic vulnerability in other women. I was hungry for that. I let down my walls and embraced this new way of relating. There was freedom gained by not being a secret or thinking that I was the only one who experienced that depth of pain.

Those bonds formed felt sacred to me. They became my mother, my sisters and my daughters. Those relationships have been hard to let go of over the years. Insert the ever increasing presence of social media, and I begin to wonder who my friends really are. Do I want quality in my relationships or do I want quantity? I choose quality, but that has its cost too, as it’s hard to fit in the time to maintain the intimacy.

Missing my Mother

Mother’s Day 2014 marks four years since I last saw my mother alive. Her passing and end of life forgiveness poured love back into me in a whole new way—her love and God’s love. And still the loss of never getting to know her as a person keeps me searching at times for the love and mentoring of a mother. My inner child (my little Ardis) still longs for my real mother’s love.

I wish I could’ve had more time with her. She’s generally not far away though. If I slow down long enough to look for her, she stares back at me in the mirror, smiles, and tells me that she loves me. The knowledge and hope that I will see her again in eternity makes the longing fade into the distance once more.

May your Mother’s Day be filled with the love of your family or other important people in your life.

This post is listed on Christian Mommy Blogger/Fellowship Fridays and Missional Women/Faith Filled Friday.

9 Comments

by ardisanelson on May 6, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Healing & Recovery, Identity

Tagged adapting to change, dealing with disappointment, friendship, grieving our losses, healing, identity, inner child, letting go, mother love, Mother's Day, relationships, Sisters in Christ, struggle, wounds of the past

Posted by ardisanelson on May 6, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/05/06/in-search-of-a-mothers-love/

Qualified or Called, Part 2 ~ Learning to Lead

It was two years ago that the Celebrate Recovery (CR) ministry launched at my church. I had dreamed and prayed for this ministry to launch there for years, but was never given the go-ahead. Now a team was in place, thanks to the arrival of Marvin and Lisa, missionaries from France who were planning a launch of this same ministry there.

On a spiritual high, at the CR 1-day conference in Portland, OR, February 2012.

The Highs & Lows of Ministry Leadership

Marvin was the ministry head, and I served as the trainer on the team. I’ll never forget the sheer joy I felt when the team all went to a CR conference together a few weeks before the launch. I had been to several CR conferences in the past, but never one representing my own church. It was such a spiritual high.

However, launching a recovery ministry like CR isn’t (wasn’t) all fun and games. There were a lot of spiritual attacks to me personally and to much of the team. We were on the battlefront in the war to take back people’s lives from the throes of addiction, abuse, rejection, depression, and hopelessness. As distressing as those experiences were, they helped to build my faith and trust God in bigger ways.

It was a difficult decision to leave that ministry later that year. However, with the release of my first book, God made it pretty clear He was stretching me in new ways and wanted to use my voice in the publishing arena.

Giving my CR testimony, March 2014.

A New Testimony to Share

As I mentioned in Part 1 of this 2-part series, I recently re-wrote my testimony. I never publically shared my testimony at my church, where I served on the CR launch team. It was something I had dreamed and hoped would happen when that ministry was forming. When the circumstances and timing didn’t align for that to happen, I trusted God’s purposes.

Then a few weeks ago, I gave my testimony for the first time since the launch of that ministry—not at my church, but at another where I serve on a CR leader team made up of individuals from multiple churches. As I re-wrote my testimony to share that night, I more fully understood the reasons behind this timing and venue to publically share my testimony.

I am now being called into a new territory to share the Good News of the Gospel. It is through Celebrate Recovery. It is not in Washington State. It is not even in the United States. It is in Spain.

Josh Fajardo, pastor from Spain visits a local CR meeting, March 2014.

Alignment of God’s Timing

The chain of events that led to this opportunity had seeds in several connections and God orchestrated meetings over the past few years. It started with Pedro, an exchange student from Spain who lived with my family in the summer of 2010. Then I met Marvin, the French missionary, who asked me to be on the CR team at my church. Marvin in turn introduced me to Josh Fajardo, a Spanish pastor and missionary, whose church I attended while I was in Madrid last summer.

Josh was in Seattle recently visiting local CR meetings and talking to pastors about this program. I was honored by his attendance the night I gave my testimony at the ministry where I now serve. We are jointly pursuing opportunities to partner with bringing this ministry to Madrid. I have high hopes of a mission trip to Spain—maybe in the fall, but most assuredly when the timing is right and God’s provision is in place.

All of these things seem so unlikely to me—the ups and downs I’ve persevered to get to this point. They don’t make any sense unless I keep the lens of His eternal purpose in my mind. I believe I am called for a time such as this. God has been putting these pieces in place since before time began.

Attending to last minute details for the CR ministry kick-off meeting, with Marvin, March 2012.

Qualified or Called?

After ten years of recovery and going all in for the Lord, my ministry resume is full of training and conferences I’ve attended. It’s full of groups I led, and times I shared my testimony. The one thing missing is an official degree or letters behind my name that qualifies me in the work world to do this.

Ultimately what qualifies me for this Call is my testimony of faith and the ever increasing challenges that the Lord has walked me through. I have a B.A. in Business Administration; I have a master’s degree in Brokenness. It is based on His biblical principles to be a Light unto others.

So Marvin and I are joining forces again, along with Josh, to build a team, and embark on a new area of ministry, into more uncharted territory. With God as our guide, who can stand against us? (Romans 8:31)

Prayer is definitely appreciated as we seek God’s will and ways to train and launch this ministry of Hope in Spain.

This post is listed on Christian Mommy Blogger/Fellowship Fridays and Missional Women/Faith Filled Friday.

7 Comments

by ardisanelson on April 9, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Healing & Recovery, My Mission to Spain, My Spanish Connection, Spiritual Growth

Tagged addictions, Celebrate Recovery, Christianity, faithful, following your dreams, France, God, healing, letting go, Mission to Spain, obedience, spiritual journey

Posted by ardisanelson on April 9, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/04/09/qualified-or-called-part-2-learning-to-lead/

Stop, Look & Listen to God

On New Year’s Day 2014, I attended mass at a local Catholic Church. I suppose it may seem like a strange thing for a Protestant to do, but it has become commonplace for me on special occasions. It was the perfect time for God to show up and remind me of what brought me here in the first place, and to give me direction for the New Year.

The Fruit of Spiritual Growth

It was three years ago this month that He put the wheels in motion for my first step into this church. Within weeks God brought about the amazing revelations and healing that led to my writing “Walking My Mother Home” published in Journeys to Mother Love. So I sat in church reflecting, and taking in the significance of how God has aligned so many events and brought so many people in my life these past several years that led to my unique walk of faith.

One place of my reflection and prayer in Spain on the island of Mallorca, July 2013.

There are too many to thank here, but they know who they are: pastors, support group leaders, and men and women of faith, here and abroad. They encouraged me to follow where God was leading me, to reclaim my identity, and to live missionally. They planted seeds of righteousness in me. They fertilized my dreams of bringing Glory to God through my writing and my voice.

After 13 years of actively seeking spiritual growth and ten years of recovery, they have supported me in my journey to turn my weakness into victory, and my brokenness into a personal ministry of compassion for the poor in spirit.

A Word from the Lord

“What’s next, Lord?” I asked during a moment of silent prayer in church. The word He immediately gave me was ‘STOP’. It wasn’t to stop serving or reaching out to others. It was more like ‘stop, look, and listen’.

In all of my excitement about going to Spain last year, it wasn’t unusual for me to get ahead of God or to start acting on something that really wasn’t the right time. Case in point, I thought I was supposed to speak in Spain and eagerly jumped into setting up talks and honing my speaking skills.

“Not now,” He lovingly told me. “But, but, but…” I knew I had to let go and trust Him.

The other word that God gave me for 2014 was ‘reflect’. That doesn’t sound like a hard thing for a contemplative to do. I spend hours in prayer every week; so what’s the difference this year? God reminded me recently of a scripture that He gave me when all of these amazing things started to happen. It was Luke 2:19, “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

I have gotten away from that posture in the past two years. I was so excited about traveling to Spain, being a first time author, and Pedro’s music success, that I haven’t slowed down much to just take it all in. It is a normal part of my life now, but there are times that I forget to do as Mary did. Don’t act on it, just treasure it.

Treasures of the Heart

God made some pretty big deposits in my heart these last few years. He has given me new dreams for the coming year and beyond. This year I want to be more deliberate in noticing when to stop, look, and listen for His guidance. I want to abide more and react less. Maybe that even means not being so bold on my blog, sharing so much, or so often.

Whatever it takes, I want to be in alignment with God’s will for my life and to wait for His perfect timing. Hopefully by the end of 2014, I can attest to His building the fruit of patience in me like never before. And I’ll have more things to treasure in my heart for the coming year.

What is your focus for 2014?

8 Comments

by ardisanelson on January 15, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Identity, Spiritual Growth

Tagged Catholic, Christianity, encouragement, following your dreams, gifts, God, hope, identity, letting go, obedience, prayer, Protestant, spiritual journey

Posted by ardisanelson on January 15, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/01/15/stop-look-listen-to-god/

The Reality of Culture Shock

I’ve heard it said that ignorance is bliss. After my summer in Spain, I’d have to say that ignorance is definitely not bliss.

With all the physical, mental, and spiritual preparation I did for my trip, I never once thought to research what it was like to live in a foreign country. I heard of culture shock, didn’t really know anything about it except for the general term, and didn’t think for a moment that it was something I needed to be aware of.

Beautiful monuments, statues, cathedrals, and architecture–constant visual reminders that I wasn’t in America. (Plaza Mayor, Madrid)

What is Culture Shock?

Merriam-Webster.com defines culture shock as “a sense of confusion and uncertainty sometimes with feelings of anxiety that may affect people exposed to an alien culture or environment without adequate preparation.”

All the while I was in Spain; there were no outward signs of culture shock. I thought I was adjusting well to all of the changes in environment (except the heat). My host family repeatedly told me how well I fit in with the Spanish lifestyle. But inside there was something much deeper going on. I pushed the anxiety and the doubts about what I was going through aside. I took each day as a new day to experience Spain, and document everything I could in any free moment I could steal away to myself.

Acting like a stereo-typical tourist, while also fitting in with the Spanish lifestyle, Madrid

My Quest for Answers

After I returned home, I did some research on what it is like to physically live in a foreign country. I found out that culture shock is a real psychological phenomenon. I stumbled upon it while doing research for some of my earlier posts about Spain.

There is a lot on the internet about culture shock, and this is not intended to a be a lesson about it. I did find out though that there are four phases: honeymoon, negotiation, adjustment and mastery. Clearly I never made it to a point of mastery, but was definitely trying to quickly adapt through the other three phases. Another source listed them as stages: wonder, frustration, depression and acceptance. Just as surprising to me was finding out about reverse culture shock. All of this explains why I had a hard time re-entering my life in the U.S. and also explains the bouts of depression I experienced.

The psychological effects of culture shock.

In my quest for answers to what I had gone through, I started to follow blogs of other non-natives living in Spain. I found sites from ex-pats living in Spain, ESL teachers, pilgrims journeying on the Way of St. James, and the like. It was a relief to be able to observe their experiences, communicate with them, and most importantly to know that I was not alone in what I was going through.

I’ve also spoken with some missionary friends. One pointed me to an article on “trailing spouse syndrome”. I had never heard of that either, but reading that served as another relief for my emotionally weary soul.

Brave or Naïve?

Many people have told me that I was brave to go to Spain alone like that. Every time someone said that I thought, “but I won’t be alone.” I was going to live with people I already knew. Little did I know how this would affect me.

I think that since Pedro, our Spanish host son, so easily adapted to family life in America, and never said anything or showed any evidence of his own culture shock, I just took it for granted that my transition would be smooth as well. He fit in with us so easily; I think I forgot he was Spanish.

Being brave? No, it’s just a unique way of mailing a letter. (Toledo, Spain)

I am so grateful to my Spanish family for hosting me and opening up my eyes to life in their country. I miss Spain. I miss my Spanish family—all 26 of them. I know I’ll return someday and am already planting those seeds for a trip with my husband.

So was I brave or naïve in journeying to Spain for six weeks last summer? It was definitely brave! I have no regrets—only gratitude to my heavenly Father for the experience, the lessons, the love, and the hope He has given me for how He wants to use it for His glory.

Showing off my bravery by eating new foods–pulpo de gallego, a Spanish favorite (Octopus Galician style)

4 Comments

by ardisanelson on November 13, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Identity, My Spanish Connection, My Trip to Spain

Tagged adapting to change, culture shock, educational exchange program, God, gratitude, hope, identity, letting go, living abroad, My Spanish Connection, Spain, struggle

Posted by ardisanelson on November 13, 2013

https://ardisanelson.com/2013/11/13/the-reality-of-culture-shock/

Breaking the Silence & Letting Go

Two months after my return from Spain I still haven’t been able to piece together what to write about how my trip relates to the continuation of my story in “Journeys to Mother Love”. Over the last few years I’ve openly blogged about it and told my friends how significant this trip was for me.

I was meeting Rosa after three years of waiting, praying, emailing, Skyping and planning. She learned English to facilitate our face to face communications. Except for the post I wrote about my first day in Spain, I have been silent about that part of my trip, and the writing in general.

At the Alcala Gate with Rosa, Madrid.

As a writer, that silence on my blog feels deafening. I had so much expectancy for this trip and so much riding on the outcome. I even wrote a post on journeystomotherlove.com, A Match Made in Heaven, on my anticipation for this journey. But now I am struggling with what and how to write about it. Writer’s block? Maybe, but I’m inclined to think there is more to it.

Letting go of Expectations

Early on in my trip, I realized I had to let go of the expectation that I would write about Rosa’s side of the story—what happened in Spain when prayers were sent from America in the midst of her sorrow. While Rosa showed me places that were significant with her side of the story, like her parents’ home (which was also her childhood home) and the church where her mother’s funeral was held, God revealed to me that the story I am to tell is more about my journey. Rosa was a conduit for my healing. We were both blessed by our mutual encouragement and prayers.

Taking the tram with Rosa from Soller to Palma, Mallorca, for a day of sightseeing.

When I stepped on Spanish soil I was ready to experience the trip of a lifetime. I was open to experiencing God in a new way. I had already let go of so many expectations—like not professionally speaking while there and not having the Spanish translation of my story published in advance. I decided to trust God for His purposes for this trip.

While I was in Spain, the Lord slowly stripped me of much more. The biggest thing for me to surrender was how much my identity has been wrapped up in my writing and the publishing of my story. I went with the expectation that people in Spain could relate to my story, like they have in America. I was grateful for the few opportunities to give away copies of Journeys to Mother Love. Outside of those times, I felt very invisible as a writer and in my faith. A lot of that was also because I didn’t know the language well enough either.

One copy of my book graces the book shelves at my apartment in the Port of Soller, with the best reading view of the Mediterranean, August 2013.

Before I was a published author, I knew God wanted to use my story. I knew He was making me bold (witness my blog name). But being in Spain led me to question much of that and my writing.

In hindsight, I think a lot of it had to do with the cultural and spiritual differences between our countries. They became more real and visible to me. I know now that the only way I could see that and understand it was to be stripped of that part of me and my voice. It was a painful process—one I’m still trying to integrate. I know He is transforming me again.

Moving Forward

42 days is a long time to explore a country. I had the most amazing escapades while in Spain with my host family. I had wonderful adventures in Madrid, Toledo, Segovia, Granada, Cordoba, Seville and on the island of Mallorca. I have 5,000 photos that bring my trip and so many special memories back to life for me.

In time some of that will show up on my blog. I don’t doubt that God wants to use my story or this trip in some way. He has given me new insights into my journey. He has given me new insights into the writing process. Meanwhile, I am clinging to my identity as a child of God and learning to let go (again). I am grateful for the journey—the good and the bad—and what lies ahead.

Do I want to know what that is? Am I nervous about it? Do I want to control it? Absolutely! I can only take one day at a time and trust that He’ll use the story He is crafting in me to inspire others to turn healing into hope. As He does, I know He’ll release me to break more of the silence along the way.

Farewell dinner at my apartment in the Port of Soller, Mallorca, Spain.

España Update 9 ~ Home Sweet Home

Homeward bound—Seattle, Washington. My day of travel started over 16 hours earlier with a bittersweet farewell between me and my Spanish family. Now I was at JFK International Airport in New York after completing two flights, surviving a bomb scare in Madrid, and avoiding an international incident on my transatlantic flight.

Re-checking my Luggage

As I departed the U.S. Customs area with my 100 pounds of luggage, minus the confiscated Iberian ham, I had a decision to make. Do I immediately re-check my baggage for my final flight or do I follow my suspicions and search my luggage to determine if anything was stolen?

Seeing the Starbucks at JFK airport was a welcome reminder that I was almost home.

Why do I think I was robbed? During the inspection by the U.S. Customs agent, I noticed my belongings were strewn around in my suitcase with receipts scattered amongst my clothes. When I packed my suitcase the night before, they were wrapped up in a jewelry bag. The thought of it gave me a sick feeling in my gut.

As I mulled over my options, I followed the crowd and queued up in the line to re-check my baggage. The line was moving swiftly, and it was looming large behind me. Before I knew it, I was at the head of the line. I was so exhausted and emotionally beat up after my Customs experience, I just didn’t have it in me to re-open my suitcase and face my fear. I plopped my suitcases on the conveyor belt and pushed any thoughts about my jewelry and personal belongings being stolen out of my mind.

The Last Leg

Thankfully the layover at JFK was void of any further airport hassles or problems. The time passed quickly as I ate, then emailed, phoned, and texted friends and family while charging my mobile phone. I was exhausted yet thrilled to speak in English and connect with the voices of people I hadn’t communicated with in six weeks.

My flight from JFK to Seattle was uneventful, but it seemed to last for an eternity. The 5½ hour flight was on a Boeing 737 where I was squished like a sardine. Compared to the Airbus A330 from Madrid, I was feeling very claustrophobic, and sleep was very haphazard. I missed the start of the movie and my mind was done with writing after hammering out seven pages on my flights.

Seattle welcoming committee

It was nighttime as the plane descended into SeaTac International Airport. I’d been chasing the sun for the last 24 hours of travel. And now I was watching the city lights of the beautiful Seattle skyline below. “Almost home”, I thought as I fought the tears welling up inside of me.

A Musical Reminder of Spain

On the way to meet my family at the baggage carousel, I made a stop in the ladies room. While in there, I was totally caught off-guard when I heard one of Pedro’s compositions playing. “Oh my gosh,” I thought as my adrenaline spiked through the roof. “How is it possible that his music is playing on the sound system?”

I laughed out loud when I figured out that it was really just the ringtone on my cell phone. I hadn’t heard my phone ring in six weeks. On top of that, I had inadvertently changed my ringtone while in Spain. Laughter aside, it reminded me of the potential of his music and that being broadcast more publicly is just a matter of time. After all, he signed his first contract to compose for an American full feature film while I was in Spain.

Family Homecoming

I was a puddle of tears when I met my family at the baggage claim. I clung to my 16-year old son and hugged him lovingly. “Hola” may have been the first words out of my mouth, but I reverted back to my American hugs versus the European double cheek-kiss that I’d become accustomed to over the last six weeks. I needed those first few lingering hugs from my son and my husband.

Although I was exhausted and more than ready to head to bed, I knew I had a big surprise awaiting me at home. While I was gone in Spain, my home was undergoing a major renovation. My family endured a complete remodel of the kitchen and two bathrooms. They had been putting the finishing touches on the house in time for the big unveiling when I walked in the door. It was a beautiful homecoming gift.

Welcomed home and back to America with a bouquet of flowers and a new kitchen.

Facing my Worst Travel Fear

After a restless night of sleep and an early awakening by the sunlight, I knew I had to face my fear lurking inside my luggage. Was anything stolen from my suitcase? The quick answer to that is yes.

Almost everything was gone from that jewelry bag—nothing of great monetary value, but the pieces were from places I’d traveled in my life that had significance to me. Thankfully I was wearing the necklace Rosa gave me while traveling (the one I reference in my published story). I was also wearing a special charm bracelet that connects me to Rosa. I was relieved when I found out that the thieves missed a second bag of jewelry buried in my clothes and some new jewelry pieces I bought in Spain.

My new Mallorcan pearls survived the theft.

It took me a few weeks of phone calls with the airlines to file a claim and find out that none of my stolen items were covered by insurance. Going through that process was like being robbed and defiled all over again, but it gave me the closure I needed so I could put it all behind me.

Final Travel Thoughts

Returning back to America on day 42 of my travel adventure had nowhere near the excitement I had when I ended my flights in Spain on my first day. There was no adrenaline rush to keep me going—only exhaustion, physical illness, and unpleasant travel memories.

My trip to Spain changed me internally and now it was as if these external factors—a bomb scare, my confiscated Iberian ham, and finally my stolen jewelry—were trying to rob me of my joy and leave me with an unfavorable parting impression of Spain.

These physical events have served as fodder on my blog, but they also have much deeper significance. I hope it serves as a reminder of the choices we have to make when things don’t go the way we expect. We can blame others, ourselves, or even God.

I know that my circumstances don’t define me. It is my identity in Christ that does. While the thieves physically robbed me of my jewelry, my identity in Christ remained intact.

My trip to Spain has changed me in ways I can’t even fully articulate yet—with emotional and spiritual insights and healing. I am being made new and choosing to boldly follow him in the adventure. I hope and pray you will too.

My final day in Spain and the view from my apartment, Port of Soller, Mallorca

~ This completes my “España Update” blog series, but not my intermittent writing about Spain. If this is your first time visiting my blog, you can start reading about my Spanish travels here.

6 Comments

by ardisanelson on October 7, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Identity, My Spanish Connection, My Trip to Spain

Tagged adapting to change, Christianity, educational exchange program, encouragement, family, God, identity, letting go, living abroad, My Spanish Connection, Pedro Gonzalez Arbona, Spain, struggle

Posted by ardisanelson on October 7, 2013

https://ardisanelson.com/2013/10/07/espana-update-9-home-sweet-home/

In the Blink of an Eye

Three months ago when I stepped on Spanish soil, I had to make many decisions about how to live in that country. I had to quickly adapt without the benefit of having my American family or friends with me. I chose to fully immerse myself in everything Spain.

I put aside my allergen sensitive diet and ate most everything I was offered. At first I didn’t notice any dramatic symptoms. I was fighting the heat, dehydration, and jet lag. I guess I was dealing with culture shock as well, but didn’t realize it at the time.

“You made it to Spain! You are experiencing the trip of your life. Don’t miss a second of it.” Those were the words that kept me going. Adapt, adapt, adapt. Push, push, push. “It’s only six weeks,” I reminded myself. All the while that I partook, my body registered everything that was happening.

My trip of a lifetime, seeing sights like the Roman aqueduct from the 1st century, Segovia, Spain.

Now That I’m Home

I returned home from Spain in early August and was again dealing with adjustments back to my American lifestyle and diet. But after the first few weeks, I didn’t bounce back to my old normal self. I knew something was physically wrong. A trip to the naturopath confirmed what I suspected. My Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) was in relapse.

I’ve been here before. I know it is a slow process to get back up and running to a normal pace—one that includes lots of self-care, body work, and giving myself grace to not push so hard. I have no regrets. It just goes to show that you never know when or how things can suddenly change in your life.

Back in Spain

Case in point, a few weeks after I left Spain, Rafa, Pedro’s father, had a stroke. It came as a big shock to me and, of course, to their entire family. Thankfully Rafa got treatment right away. He is doing much better and a full recovery is expected.

Queen for a day, with Rafa as my escort at the Royal Palace in Madrid.

Naturally it took me back to the fears I had after my mother’s stroke. She never regained her speech or use of the right side of her body. It also felt like déjà vu to me as I lit a candle in the Catholic Church for Rafa and fervently prayed for this family. My heart ached for Rosa again, and for the burden that fell upon the family while still caretaking for Perico, Rosa’s father.

On the bright side, I was so grateful to have personally met Rafa before this happened. I was thankful for the many special times I had with this family, and Rafa in particular.

Rafa was a wonderful host and tour guide while on my travels throughout Spain. He is an avid shutterbug like me and took lots of great photos of my trip. He was also my protector in many ways—even going so far as to escort me one Sunday morning on the subway so I could attend a Protestant Church service. I am thankful for his generosity to me and am praying for his continued recovery.

In the Blink of an Eye

A few years ago, I used to have a tag line as part of my email signature block that read: Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks. (Regina Brett) It was a little reminder to trust God when things didn’t go as I expected.

Nothing surprises God. He knows what lies ahead for us. It is up to us how we are going to respond to it.

As I am coming out of denial and learning to accept what I did to my body again, I am believing in God’s promises and clinging to the hope that He offers. His words to me, and others who are hurting in physical and emotional ways, are from a familiar Bible verse: “but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Isaiah 40:31, NIV)

I can blink without worry because my hope is in the Lord.

2 Comments

by ardisanelson on September 27, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Identity, My Spanish Connection, My Trip to Spain, Relationships & Family

Tagged adapting to change, Christianity, encouragement, God, gratitude, hope, identity, letting go, living abroad, My Spanish Connection, self-care

Posted by ardisanelson on September 27, 2013

https://ardisanelson.com/2013/09/27/in-the-blink-of-an-eye/

España Update 6 ~ The Language

Obviously the Spanish language was another major change for me to adapt to during my six-week trip to Spain. The one regret I have about my trip is that I didn’t spend more time learning the language. I think it would’ve made a big difference—especially in group settings.

Preparing for the Language Barrier

Back when I was in high school, most colleges required two years of a foreign language for admittance. So that was exactly what I took—the 2-year minimum, in Spanish. Nowadays, most universities are requiring three or four years. I would’ve hated that at the time, but in hindsight, I can see how two years of a foreign language is not enough to really communicate. After all, when Pedro first arrived at our home, he already had eight years of English behind him.

ShortcuttoSpanish.com, my favorite online study tool.

Over thirty years after my high school language classes were completed, I came face to face with the reality that I was going to need to speak Spanish for my summer travel to Spain. I spent three months in advance of my trip listening to Spanish audio CDs and studying the language. With that, plus a translator app on my mobile phone, I hoped and prayed that would be good enough.

Immersed in the Language

A true exchange student is normally immersed in their new language without much opportunity to speak in their native tongue. That was not the case for me. My Spanish family was very accommodating of my language deficiencies as they all spoke English to some degree.

My biggest challenge was communicating with Rosa, Pedro’s mother. She had an English tutor for the last year to help her prepare for my visit. Although our initial communications were somewhat clumsy, her English was surprisingly good. We both relied on electronic translators to help us fill in the gaps.

I would’ve been lost without my trusty Bing translator on my Windows 8 phone.

Early on in my trip, I embraced the language and tried to communicate with my family in Spanish. I wanted to learn the language. I know I butchered it at times, but was rarely corrected. They knew what I was trying to communicate. I eventually limited my trying except for some basic phrases that I routinely needed.

The Emotional Side

While everyone spoke English with me, all other conversations were in Spanish. Prior to my arrival in Spain, I hadn’t given that much thought. I knew the household would be a mixture of Spanish and English. It was rather disorienting to live in a home and an environment and not understand what was being spoken around me. Of course, I asked at times or was filled in occasionally, but over time, I think it started to wear on me and fed into feelings of isolation.

The truth of the matter is that not knowing the language myself limited who I could talk to, when I could talk, and what I could say. There were times I felt lonely and invisible—even in a room filled with people. The emotions around this totally caught me off-guard. Back in America, I would be able to process all of these feelings and cultural adjustments with a trusted friend or in a support group setting. While in Spain, I mostly turned to my journal and to prayer.

I was very grateful for the occasions when I was able to speak English for an extended period of time—like having Pedro’s uncle serve as my personal tour guide throughout Seville, befriending a young Mexican woman who spoke fluent English, or spending a Sunday afternoon with English speaking Protestants.

My own personal tour guide in Seville, Pedro’s Uncle Francisco.

The Fun of Learning a Language

On the brighter side, I have some very humorous memories related to the language. Pedro used my naivety with the language to coach me into saying embarrassing things. I quickly learned and regularly repeated the phrase “no confío en ti,” which means “I don’t trust you.”

Rosa also mixed up the English words “kitchen” and “chicken” early on. We never let her forget that mistake and reversed those words in our future conversations. That led to Pedro and his father trying to confuse me on giving directions—to the left (izquierda) or to the right (derecha). Our friendly teasing was always good for a laugh.

I loved how learning Spanish stretched my mind in new ways—even at my age. I loved how at times we all mixed the Spanish and English in our conversations. I enjoyed and was pleasantly surprised at how quickly my mind started to think in Spanish, and sometimes subconsciously in my dreams.

Pedro and his family commented several times how much my Spanish had improved over the course of my visit. I was just as surprised, although disappointedly so, that it all disappeared as soon as I was back in America.

Many restaurants had bi-lingual menus, like Casa de Valencia in Madrid.

Lessons Learned

I have logged dozens of hours of Skype calls with Pedro since we met. Not once did I ever feel like I needed to learn Spanish. What I learned about the language from all of this isn’t really about the Spanish words or the grammar. It is that we truly do live a world apart, and the language, no matter how much I learn, will always be a barrier between us to some degree.

I also learned many things about Spain, my Spanish family, and about myself on this trip of a lifetime. After two weeks back home, I am still processing much of it. One thing is for sure, I would not take learning the language so lightly for a future trip.

~ If this is your first time visiting my blog, you can start reading about my Spanish travels here. To read the next update in this series, click here.

3 Comments

by ardisanelson on August 20, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in Identity, My Spanish Connection, My Trip to Spain

Tagged adapting to change, educational exchange program, identity, learning a foreign language, letting go, living abroad, living in the moment, My Spanish Connection, Spain, traveling abroad

Posted by ardisanelson on August 20, 2013

https://ardisanelson.com/2013/08/20/espana-update-6-the-language/

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I'm an author, writer, speaker, mentor & mom. I've struggled to find my voice all my life as I lived in the shadows of a mother with mental illness. Thankfully that was not the legacy that she handed down to me. It took a lot of recovery and deep healing work to rise above it.

I am thankful to God for Making Me Bold in the process. Now I use my writing and speaking voice to help others on their journey to turn healing into hope.
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