The title for this post comes from a quote by British poet Alfred Lord Tennyson (1809-1892). You’ve no doubt heard the quote before: “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”
What brings me to this harsh reality at this point in my life? The death of a loved one? The end of a significant relationship in my life?
No, it is the loss of some significant mementos in my life, leading to a rather sudden wave of shock and grief. Some may laugh when I divulge my loss. But if you have a heart for the sentimental, you will surely understand.
Read on to hear how a seemingly insignificant loss led to such an emotional response…like the death of a loved one.
A Sentimental Practice
The story actually dates back to January 2008 when I started the practice of saving memorable and encouraging voicemail messages on my mobile phone. The first one was an especially poignant message left by my husband. The events surrounding that time were a huge catalyst for healing and restoration in our marriage. Days before that message was left, my husband came home with a dozen roses and a box of chocolates, bent down on one knee and, after 25 years of marriage proposed to me all over again.
That voicemail message from him was like a love letter from years gone by.
Over the course of the next several years I saved dozens of voicemail messages on my phone from family and friends. There were messages from women who attended the retreat I led. There were encouraging messages and prayers from friends who supported me in the ministries where I served and at significant milestones in my speaking and writing career.
I remember one friend who left a message the day after I got news of my first manuscript being accepted. She jokingly called me a “famous author.” Even now I can get choked up at the thought of that loving message.
The list goes on and on: a cheerful and proud message from my youngest son when he got his first mobile phone, birthday greetings sung by friends, and a rare birthday call from my father who has since passed away. Some of those messages and prayers got me through some pretty dark times too.
Many messages revolved around the time of my mother’s illness and passing. There were urgent messages from the nursing home regarding my mother’s condition and several poignant words of encouragement and prayers when she passed away. It was the prayers of these women who got me through those painful days of traveling home to bury my mother and give her eulogy.
All of those messages disappeared in an instant…a dagger to my heart.
Black Friday Grief
It happened over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend—Black Friday!!! Yes, it was a dark Black Friday to me.
I made the arduous decision to upgrade my phone AND change mobile service providers at the same time. It was the latter that killed the messages.
As my husband and I sat in the provider’s store, they made every assurance to me that everything would move over to the new phone.
Don’t worry. Famous last words.
In my heart and my mind though, I knew it wouldn’t be so. My mind raced through my most important apps and how I use my phone. Then it hit me, and I asked the dreaded question, “What about my voicemail messages?”
The service rep had no idea the magnitude of the bad news he was imparting on me. But my husband did.
I had to leave the store for fear of breaking down in public. I rushed through the mall to the other carrier’s store—the one we were leaving. They confirmed my worst fear. It was too late. The messages were gone forever!
Gone were the love letters from friends and family. Gone were the prayers of hope. Gone were the voices from people in my past.
‘Tis Better to have Loved & Lost
Lest you think this is really no big deal, it might help to mention that my #1 love language is words of affirmation (as described in Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages”). The other four love languages are quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
I give words of affirmation to others and feel most loved when I receive it as well.
So it wasn’t a small matter to me. I grieved over the loss of those messages. However, I’m not alone in my grieving of such things.
I recalled a friend who recently lost her mobile phone. She didn’t have her photos backed up or stored online. They were gone forever. She had just returned from a family reunion, seeing her grandchildren and her ailing mother. She proudly showed off her family photos. A few weeks later her mother passed away, making the loss of those precious photos even more painful.
Another friend shared how she had deleted voicemail messages from her mother who is now deceased. Over a year after her mother’s passing, it still brought a tear to her eye as she recalled those memories of her mother’s voice.
When I talked more about the significance of these messages and my grief with my husband, he referenced the above quote by Alfred Lord Tennyson. I think that was his way of trying to ease my pain. Lucky for him it had already subsided by that point. (By the way, don’t share that quote with anyone in the early stages of grief. It’s like putting salt on a wound.)
As a writer, hearing that quote at that very moment helped me to reframe this grief episode in my life and in my writing. It REALLY is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
I have loved well, and been loved well by my friends and family over the past several years. They were the voices I turned to for encouragement, to keep seeking His will for my life and step out of my comfort zone—using my voice to speak and write in ways I never dreamed possible. I can’t imagine where I would be today without that love and support. They helped to sustain me.
Words of affirmation and love
Looking at the list of lost calls (yes, I do have screenshots of my visual voice mailbox), I can hear most of them in my mind. They are not really gone because I have integrated the essence of their love and words of affirmation into my heart and spirit. I don’t need to lean on them like I did in the past.
Any tears that come to mind now are not of the loss, but are of the beauty, love, and thoughtfulness of these people whom I treasure. I’m feeling loved. That love, like the Love of our Heavenly Father, has equipped me to freely give it back to others.
On that note, I gotta wrap this up. It’s time to pass the love on with words of affirmation to others who need it, including my thoughtful and supportive readers. Thanks for cheering me on, leaving comments and liking my posts. May the love I have in my heart for you, inspire you to turn healing into hope.
12/11/2015 Update: Do you watch “The Middle” on ABC? I laughed so hard when I watched this week’s episode. One of the kids accidentally deleted all of the family digital photos on the computer (not backed up, of course). The family then goes on a hunt to find a box of the old printed photos. The storyline hit way to close to home after writing this post and losing my voicemail messages the week before.
Hope you enjoy this little bit of holiday humor on “The Middle,” Frankie weeps after losing all her photos.
A Delicate Balancing Act in Recovery
I have a stack of letters from my mother dating back to my days in college. I have read them from time to time. I didn’t appreciate them much in my youth, but now I have a new lens—one of a mother whose children are leaving the nest and is learning to let go. Her letters comfort me, as I see her love for me in new ways. They keep her memories alive.
More about Verna: Verna Hill Simms, started her writing career at the age of 80 after answering a small ad in her local newspaper to form a writers group. She joined the Jefferson County (Missouri) Writer’s Society, saying it has been one of the best decisions she ever made.
Preparing to Write
Making Me Bold 