All posts tagged healing

A Journey to Stepmother Love

Mother Love comes in many ways, shapes and sizes: birth moms, adopted moms, foster moms, grandmothers, aunts, sisters, and girlfriends. For me, it unexpectedly came from a stepmother that I didn’t openly embrace from the start. Here’s a bit of that story on my publisher’s blog, journeystomotherlove.com. Happy Mother’s Day!

Journeys To Mother Love

I was nine years old when my parents divorced. I’ll never forget that day. After hearing the news, I ran into the woods behind our house and cried my eyes out. “Why? Why? Why?” I cried to God.

Those repressed memories surfaced a while back in a therapy session as I got in touch with the little Ardis who was hurting from the trauma of this event. I’ve processed this before, but this time I remembered something new. I remembered that I told my father I hated him. It became one of those pivotal moments in my life when I decided I had to be a BIG girl and stuff my emotions.

I surfaced from those woods, calm and collected. I WAS a big girl. But try as I might, that anger at what was going on between my parents was still there. Both of my parents soon remarried. I lived…

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In Search of a Mother’s Love

There is a hunger inside of me sometimes. We are all born with it—the desire for love and relationship. From an early age we are taught in life how and who fills that need. It is generally filled by our parents. In most cases, the responsibility falls on the mother. But what if that mother isn’t equipped to take on that role or isn’t capable of bonding with the child? What happens to the inner need?

The Longing for Love

The need doesn’t go away; we just find other ways to fill that emptiness and hunger for love and relationship—in either healthy or unhealthy ways. I didn’t know that or understand the affects that my mother’s mental illness had on me until about ten years ago when my unhealthy ways of relating and compulsive behaviors finally caught up with me.

I’ve done a lot of healing work and spiritual growth in that last decade. I now serve in a ministry where I can come alongside others who are also struggling with the hurts from the past and seeing themselves as God sees them. Even though I know with my whole heart that Jesus came to give me life and ultimately fill my need for love, there are still times when life can get me down.

I still have a longing to be known and to know others. It is a longing for deep relationship. It is the search for a mother’s love that was lost.

Looking for Love

I’ve lived my whole life this way—being self-sufficient without close siblings and without involvement and emotional attachment from my parents. I didn’t know what I was missing because I didn’t experience it. Now, after a decade of healing and recovery work, I know. I know because I have started to more intensely experience the loss of the women in my life who helped me to heal.

When I started recovery, I had virtually no female friends—only a few through work. I didn’t know how to be a real friend. As I started my recovery journey, I observed real authentic vulnerability in other women. I was hungry for that. I let down my walls and embraced this new way of relating. There was freedom gained by not being a secret or thinking that I was the only one who experienced that depth of pain.

Those bonds formed felt sacred to me. They became my mother, my sisters and my daughters. Those relationships have been hard to let go of over the years. Insert the ever increasing presence of social media, and I begin to wonder who my friends really are. Do I want quality in my relationships or do I want quantity? I choose quality, but that has its cost too, as it’s hard to fit in the time to maintain the intimacy.

Missing my Mother

Mother’s Day 2014 marks four years since I last saw my mother alive. Her passing and end of life forgiveness poured love back into me in a whole new way—her love and God’s love. And still the loss of never getting to know her as a person keeps me searching at times for the love and mentoring of a mother. My inner child (my little Ardis) still longs for my real mother’s love.

I wish I could’ve had more time with her. She’s generally not far away though. If I slow down long enough to look for her, she stares back at me in the mirror, smiles, and tells me that she loves me. The knowledge and hope that I will see her again in eternity makes the longing fade into the distance once more.

May your Mother’s Day be filled with the love of your family or other important people in your life.

This post is listed on Christian Mommy Blogger/Fellowship Fridays and Missional Women/Faith Filled Friday.

9 Comments

by ardisanelson on May 6, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Healing & Recovery, Identity

Tagged adapting to change, dealing with disappointment, friendship, grieving our losses, healing, identity, inner child, letting go, mother love, Mother's Day, relationships, Sisters in Christ, struggle, wounds of the past

Posted by ardisanelson on May 6, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/05/06/in-search-of-a-mothers-love/

Qualified or Called, Part 2 ~ Learning to Lead

It was two years ago that the Celebrate Recovery (CR) ministry launched at my church. I had dreamed and prayed for this ministry to launch there for years, but was never given the go-ahead. Now a team was in place, thanks to the arrival of Marvin and Lisa, missionaries from France who were planning a launch of this same ministry there.

On a spiritual high, at the CR 1-day conference in Portland, OR, February 2012.

The Highs & Lows of Ministry Leadership

Marvin was the ministry head, and I served as the trainer on the team. I’ll never forget the sheer joy I felt when the team all went to a CR conference together a few weeks before the launch. I had been to several CR conferences in the past, but never one representing my own church. It was such a spiritual high.

However, launching a recovery ministry like CR isn’t (wasn’t) all fun and games. There were a lot of spiritual attacks to me personally and to much of the team. We were on the battlefront in the war to take back people’s lives from the throes of addiction, abuse, rejection, depression, and hopelessness. As distressing as those experiences were, they helped to build my faith and trust God in bigger ways.

It was a difficult decision to leave that ministry later that year. However, with the release of my first book, God made it pretty clear He was stretching me in new ways and wanted to use my voice in the publishing arena.

Giving my CR testimony, March 2014.

A New Testimony to Share

As I mentioned in Part 1 of this 2-part series, I recently re-wrote my testimony. I never publically shared my testimony at my church, where I served on the CR launch team. It was something I had dreamed and hoped would happen when that ministry was forming. When the circumstances and timing didn’t align for that to happen, I trusted God’s purposes.

Then a few weeks ago, I gave my testimony for the first time since the launch of that ministry—not at my church, but at another where I serve on a CR leader team made up of individuals from multiple churches. As I re-wrote my testimony to share that night, I more fully understood the reasons behind this timing and venue to publically share my testimony.

I am now being called into a new territory to share the Good News of the Gospel. It is through Celebrate Recovery. It is not in Washington State. It is not even in the United States. It is in Spain.

Josh Fajardo, pastor from Spain visits a local CR meeting, March 2014.

Alignment of God’s Timing

The chain of events that led to this opportunity had seeds in several connections and God orchestrated meetings over the past few years. It started with Pedro, an exchange student from Spain who lived with my family in the summer of 2010. Then I met Marvin, the French missionary, who asked me to be on the CR team at my church. Marvin in turn introduced me to Josh Fajardo, a Spanish pastor and missionary, whose church I attended while I was in Madrid last summer.

Josh was in Seattle recently visiting local CR meetings and talking to pastors about this program. I was honored by his attendance the night I gave my testimony at the ministry where I now serve. We are jointly pursuing opportunities to partner with bringing this ministry to Madrid. I have high hopes of a mission trip to Spain—maybe in the fall, but most assuredly when the timing is right and God’s provision is in place.

All of these things seem so unlikely to me—the ups and downs I’ve persevered to get to this point. They don’t make any sense unless I keep the lens of His eternal purpose in my mind. I believe I am called for a time such as this. God has been putting these pieces in place since before time began.

Attending to last minute details for the CR ministry kick-off meeting, with Marvin, March 2012.

Qualified or Called?

After ten years of recovery and going all in for the Lord, my ministry resume is full of training and conferences I’ve attended. It’s full of groups I led, and times I shared my testimony. The one thing missing is an official degree or letters behind my name that qualifies me in the work world to do this.

Ultimately what qualifies me for this Call is my testimony of faith and the ever increasing challenges that the Lord has walked me through. I have a B.A. in Business Administration; I have a master’s degree in Brokenness. It is based on His biblical principles to be a Light unto others.

So Marvin and I are joining forces again, along with Josh, to build a team, and embark on a new area of ministry, into more uncharted territory. With God as our guide, who can stand against us? (Romans 8:31)

Prayer is definitely appreciated as we seek God’s will and ways to train and launch this ministry of Hope in Spain.

This post is listed on Christian Mommy Blogger/Fellowship Fridays and Missional Women/Faith Filled Friday.

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by ardisanelson on April 9, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Healing & Recovery, My Mission to Spain, My Spanish Connection, Spiritual Growth

Tagged addictions, Celebrate Recovery, Christianity, faithful, following your dreams, France, God, healing, letting go, Mission to Spain, obedience, spiritual journey

Posted by ardisanelson on April 9, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/04/09/qualified-or-called-part-2-learning-to-lead/

Qualified or Called, Part 1 ~ Learning to Serve

³Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4, NIV)

This verse first caught my attention early on in my recovery journey. It was the catalyst that I embraced when I started leading women’s support groups. God revealed to me in the short time that I was in recovery that he wanted to use my pain and my healing to come alongside others to encourage and support them on their journeys to wholeness.

Stepping up to Serve

The first group I facilitated was a Boundaries group. (It wasn’t the popular book by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. That came later in my teaching ministry.) My church was starting a recovery program with multiple groups being led with different curriculum. I was hungry for recovery and eager to share how God had redeemed my pain. However, I felt sorely unqualified to lead in this kind of setting. The ministry leader shared something with the leaders that has stuck with me ever since. He said, “You just have to be well enough.”

That was a relief to me. I didn’t have to have it all figured out. I didn’t need to perform. I needed to lead from my brokenness and my vulnerability.* That didn’t make it easy, but it helped me to let go of my pride and let God work in me in this new role with my church. You see I was, and am, a fairly capable person when it comes to project management, running large meetings, and such in the business world. However, putting myself on the front line of emotional and spiritual endeavors was totally foreign to me. And that was what God wanted.

Believing you are Well Enough

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV) That is not what Satan wants—for you to serve in ministry. He is an expert at trying to get us to believe we are not good enough, smart enough, or worthy enough to serve the Lord. Don’t believe him! God wants to use you!

In time I stepped into bigger ministry roles at my church, not because I felt qualified, but because I felt called by God, or in some cases was asked. I often jumped in quickly, not realizing what I was getting myself into. Each time God was stretching me outside of my comfort zone—to coordinate a women’s retreat, speak at a women’s event, and to train the leaders that launched my church’s Celebrate Recovery ministry. Through it all, I was often reminded of a phrase I’d heard in ministry circles: “God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.”

Answering my Next Call

Over the last few months, I’ve been preparing for God’s next call on my life. In preparation for that, I worked on a re-write of my recovery testimony. If you don’t know what that is, check out this post, What is a CR Testimony?, on the Celebrate Recovery website where I serve. Suffice it to say, it is not a small matter; and it is not a salvation testimony.

As I wrote it, God revealed to me the weavings and points of intersection where He was putting the people, circumstances and events in place to lead to this very time in my life. It’s been pretty profound, and has grown my faith in even bigger ways. There is so much I could write about this, but one chain of events stands out with such clarity to illustrate the way God works, and how perfect His timing is. I’ll save that for Part 2 of this series.

I’d love to hear from others who have stepped up into ministry leadership. Did you feel called? Do you presently feel qualified? How was God preparing you to serve Him?

*A great book I recommend about this leadership posture is Leading with a Limp, by Dan Allender.

This post is listed on Christian Mommy Blogger/Fellowship Fridays and Missional Women/Faith Filled Friday.

4 Comments

by ardisanelson on April 3, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Healing & Recovery, Identity, Spiritual Growth

Tagged boundaries, Celebrate Recovery, Christianity, fear, God's timing, grace, healing, Henry Cloud, hope, John Townsend, obedience, recovery, serving others, spiritual journey, trusting God

Posted by ardisanelson on April 3, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/04/03/qualified-or-called-part-1-learning-to-serve/

For a Heart Blessed with the Sound of Music

At the beginning of the year, I crossed another item off my bucket list—well, sort of. I’m a big fan of the film The Sound of Music. My actual bucket list item would be to take the Sound of Music tour in Salzburg, Austria, where the movie was filmed 50 years ago. But since that is fairly unlikely, I did the next best thing. I attended a Sound of Music Sing-A-Long at the 5^th Avenue Theater in Seattle on New Year’s weekend.

What is a Sound of Music Sing-A-Long?

I first heard about this event from the special features section of my Sound of Music DVD. They showed a sing-a-long at the Hollywood Bowl in California. People dressed in costumes and participated in various sing-a-long theatrics while the movie was showing (similar to what is done for The Rocky Horror Picture Show). It was a comical idea, but I didn’t think I’d ever actually go to one.

Then last fall when I wrote The Little Girl Inside, a post about the significance of the Sound of Music to me and how it intersected with my trip to Spain, I searched for the sing-a-long event online. I filed the Seattle event away mentally, not sure if I could free up the time over the holidays or who would want to attend.

As the days quickly passed toward the New Year’s weekend, I vacillated between going by myself, inviting others, and not going at all. I ended up going by myself, and I’m so glad I did. I didn’t quite know what to expect at the event. I was having a rough time emotionally over the holidays and didn’t know how I would react to the production. I wanted to experience it privately, so to speak—or at least to be anonymous in the crowd of strangers. It was such a memorable event in so many ways.

What happened at the Sing-A-Long?

When I arrived at the theater, I immediately saw people dressed up for the costume contest. Thankfully they were in the minority. There were nuns, people dressed in lederhosen, children dressed as the Von Trapp family, etc. The contest preceded the movie.

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Before the movie started an announcer appeared on stage to give us instructions on how to use the goody bag items during the movie. This was not a passive movie-going experience. And you weren’t expected to just sing, you were to interact with the movie at prescribed times as well.

The announcer and his assistants demonstrate gestures for “Do, Re, Mi”.

Other interactive ways we participated were when specific characters appeared on the screen:

For Maria, we cheered.
For the Nazi’s, we booed.
For Rolf, the love interest of Liesl, we barked like a dog, “ruff, ruff”.
For Baroness von Schraeder, we hissed.

And every once in a while someone in the audience would shout out a humorous remark. There were other ways that we interacted with the movie as well, but I won’t spoil it for others who may opt to go in the future, which I highly recommend doing.

Props from the goody bag: a swatch of curtain fabric, Edelweiss,
an invitation to the ball, a party popper for the ‘big kiss’, and flash cards.

On a More Serious Note

For me the best part of the event was the opening scene of the movie. It started out with the announcer making comical comments and shouting to Maria, but his antics were quickly overshadowed by the grandeur of the movie.

The movie opens with the camera panning over breathtaking views of the Alps and Salzburg, Austria. It eventually zooms in on Maria, played by Julie Andrews, coming up over the crest of a hill onto a grassy knoll. The instrumental prelude for “The Sound of Music” main theme song is building in the background when Maria bursts out singing with her arms stretched wide:

“The Hills are alive with the sound of music,
With songs they have sung for a thousand years,
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music,
My heart wants to sing every song it hears…

…I go to the hills when my heart is lonely,
I know I will hear what I’ve heard before,
My heart with be blessed with the sound of music,
And I’ll sing once more.”
© 1959 Rogers & Hammerstein

I was lost in the moment as the song naturally flowed from my lips in perfect sync with Julie Andrews’ glorious voice, and the voices of over 2000 other enthusiastic movie fans. A few tears were shed as I was overtaken by the magic and emotion of this sentimental memory from my childhood. At the end of the song, the theater burst into applause, which they did after every song just like it was a live performance.

If you’ve never seen the movie, or you want to experience the opening scene from a sing-a-long perspective, watch this short video.

The lyrics were highlighted word by word for each song in the movie.

Singing Once More

A buried part of me came alive when my mother passed away three years ago; and music was a part of that awakening. I encourage you to find the hidden treasures that are buried within you as well—the little creative things that give you joy. When you do, embrace it as a special part of who you are. And maybe like me, you’ll sing once more.

This post is listed on Christian Mommy Blogger/Fellowship Fridays and Missional Women/Faith Filled Friday.

4 Comments

by ardisanelson on March 1, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Identity

Tagged encouragement, following your dreams, healing, hope, identity, Julie Andrews, living in the moment, music, self-care, The Sound of Music

Posted by ardisanelson on March 1, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/03/01/for-a-heart-blessed-with-the-sound-of-music/

A Love Letter to Mom & Annual Tribute

I’ve come to annually mark the passing of my mother by writing her a letter. This year I was at my annual winter scrapbooking retreat amongst friends—just like I was the day before I got word of my mother’s passing in 2011. Again I was working on my mother’s tribute album.

Setting the Stage to Write

Three years later this scrapbook remains part of my healing process as it retraces my steps before and after she died—the visits back home, meeting with her health care providers, making end-of-life decisions, giving her eulogy, and burying her remains. It is the visual story that was eventually published in Journeys to Mother Love. It is a beautiful tribute album—not necessarily for others’ eyes, but something between my mother and me.

This year the anniversary letter was harder to write than last year. After my arrival at the retreat, I was told that Wanda, the woman who has organized and run these retreats over the years, wasn’t going to be joining us. Her husband who suffered with Parkinson’s had taken a turn for the worse and was put on hospice. His end of life was very near. It hit us all by surprise, and gave us an opportunity to privately lift her in prayer and share our own feelings about this sad turn of events.

For me the timing hit too close to home as our discussion turned to end-of-life decisions and the role women often provide in caring for our loved ones. On the outside I was listening to the conversation, but in my mind I was back at my mother’s side caring for her at the nursing home on one of my visits back home. It was as if my bittersweet memories from before were now being lived out by Wanda and her family. Sadly, her husband passed away a few days later.

Embracing the Grief

It was in that context of grief, that my letter to my mother freely flowed through my fingers to the keyboard, and with it a few well-earned tears. I know my mom can’t physically answer my letter, but something tells me she’ll find a way to let me know she received it.

Below is an excerpt of that letter. I hope it inspires you to do the same for someone you love—past or present—and let your healing turn to hope.

A Love Letter to Mom

“Dear Mom,

I admire your perseverance. You lived a long life. Fate hit you a terrible blow when you suffered your nervous breakdown at the age of 35, and me as well, when I was six. Our journeys to emotional healing both started that day.

Now 48 years later I am approaching mine in a new way, with a different battle plan in place. No more white-knuckling it. I am choosing to take medication (for my ADHD).

…Anyway, Mom, the point of all this is that your passing put all of the pieces together for me to even consider this route for me, and for my son (who also has ADHD). I am now an advocate for him. I am an advocate for myself. I am learning more about ADHD and how to help both of us.

I don’t know what lies ahead for us as we journey down this road on medication. I don’t know what it was like for you. I’m saddened that I never got to talk to you about any of this. I’m saddened that I didn’t get to know you as an adult. I’m saddened I didn’t really get to know you.

But I wanted you to know that as horrible as your life was for so many years after the nervous breakdown, the divorce, in and out of mental hospitals, etc. that it has served to help me to fight for myself and my son now. I am more open to trying and exploring how I can lead a more normal life with the support of medication. I am taking back control of my life and my emotional health.

So I thank you Mom for not leaving me a legacy of mental illness. You left me a gift that I get to integrate into my life. That gift is the gift of perseverance and hope in the Lord through all things.

I know what I am going through is important and life changing. I know there are many others like me who have also suffered in silence as they lived in the shadow of mental illness.

I love you Mom. Thank you for persevering to the end and giving life back to me in the process.

Love,
Ardis”

Peace to you and your family Wanda, from your scrapbooking sisters.

Updated 6/1/2014: Wanda’s husband passed away a few days after the scrapbooking weekend. Through a sad turn of events, Wanda also passed away a few months later. Remembering Wanda is the tribute I wrote to our dear friend and scrapbooking mentor.

This post is listed on Christian Mommy Blogger/Fellowship Fridays and Missional Women/Faith Filled Friday.

11 Comments

by ardisanelson on February 19, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Identity, My Writing Journey, Relationships & Family

Tagged encouragement, family, fear, God, gratitude, grieving our losses, healing, hope, identity, Journeys to Mother Love, leaving a legacy, letter writing, love, mother love, saying goodbye, scrapbooking

Posted by ardisanelson on February 19, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/02/19/love-letter-to-mom-annual-tribute/

Leading With Love

Weddings are a time of great celebration, excitement, and hope for a beautiful future—a fairy tale ending. Brides often enter into marriage dreaming of living happily ever after. However, the national divorce statistics tell us a different story. If you are part of that statistic, or currently not romantically involved, I imagine you dread Valentine’s Day.

The Reality of Marriage

Serving as a leader in a local Celebrate Recovery (CR) ministry, I get a chance to hear a lot of testimonies and people’s life stories—male and female. Many of the women who come to CR are either divorced or have had a history of marital struggles. But hey, don’t go thinking that I am getting a distorted view of society. Marital heartache and misery are much more common than you think.

The people who show up at CR are choosing to take off their masks and come out of denial about it. They are generally the fortunate ones. Not because of their painful past, but because they are seeking help and healing. In time, they generally become grateful for those struggles because it made them stronger. Romans 8:28 becomes real to them, often for the first time: “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV)

These women (and men) are taking steps to get emotionally healthy, deal with their past baggage, learn to set healthy boundaries, take care of their needs, and live life more fully—regardless of their past. They are on a journey of self-discovery, with or without a spouse or partner.

If they’ve been in recovery for a while, they can even laugh about the process—making light that their people picker is broken. I’ve seen it over and over again as people attract the exact kind of romantic partner that will lead to the same negative relationship patterns. They may decide they want a relationship, thinking they are ready again, or they may be willing to settle.

WARNING—more heartache ahead!

A Legacy of Divorce

Let’s face it relationships are hard work, and marriage is the hardest because we spend most of our time with our spouse. If we come from a family background where divorce was part of our heritage, we may quickly look to that as an escape clause—thinking it is normal. In my case, my parents had a combined ten marriages between them. They were on marriages #2 and #4 when my siblings and I were born. I swore I wouldn’t do that to my kids. Thankfully I didn’t. It doesn’t have to be part of our legacy.

I understand the heartache of divorce. I understand the devastation and painful wake that it leaves behind for the families. I’ve felt the blame and shame of it. I brought a lot of that same baggage into my marriage. It has only been since I entered recovery a decade ago that I’ve seen how much it affected me—my behaviors and my underlying fear of rejection and abandonment.

Leading with Love

I’ve had lots of restoration and healing in my marriage over the years. I don’t lead from a place of having it all together. I lead from a place of brokenness, knowing how hard it is, and continuing to struggle in the process. I know God has given me kisses of love from Above, and in my marriage, so that I can impart hope to others who are seeking a Godly marriage.* I lead with Love, because He first loved me. (1 John 4:19)

As we celebrate Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to look for ways that you can appreciate your spouse, even in the midst of your struggles. If you are not married, don’t let the Valentine blues get to you. Have some fun with a friend or show someone else you care in a non-romantic way.

Who says Valentine’s Day is for lovers? Make it for love! You can lead the way!

*This post is dedicated to and inspired by my friends who are in the throes of a strained marital relationship.

This post is listed on Christian Mommy Blogger/Fellowship Fridays and Missional Women/Faith Filled Friday.

9 Comments

by ardisanelson on February 13, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Relationships & Family

Tagged Celebrate Recovery, dealing with disappointment, encouragement, God, healing, hope, leaving a legacy, life's challenges, love, relationships, transformation, Valentine's Day

Posted by ardisanelson on February 13, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/02/13/leading-with-love/

A Tribute to Mom, Part 2 – Her Final Gift

This week marks the 3-year anniversary of my mother’s passing. Last year I shared her eulogy on my blog. It continues to be the post with the most hits (interest). I am sharing it again to commemorate the sacrifice my mother’s life became for me. May it inspire you to turn your healing into hope.

Making Me Bold

When I started writing for a public audience, I knew that many of my initial writings and journal would potentially become published. They were the basis for much of what I wrote in my story “Walking My Mother Home”, published in “Journeys to Mother Love”. One year after the acceptance of that story by Cladach Publishing, and to mark the anniversary of my mother’s passing,

View original post 1,518 more words

Leaving a Legacy of Healing

The “Cats in the Cradle” is a 1974 folk song written by Harry Chapin. It tells the story of a father being too busy for his son’s request for time together, and then later when the son is an adult the roles are reversed, with the father wanting to spend time with the son. The words that stand out most in the song are “I’m gonna be like you dad, you know I’m gonna be like you”.

We all want our children to be like us, the good parts of us. This song showcases how our actions speak louder than words and what we model to our children is of utmost importance. It is part of the legacy that we leave them.

I recently contributed a post on the Journeys to Mother Love blog about the legacy we leave for our children. I hope you enjoy it reblogged here.

Leaving a Legacy of Healing.

And if you are not familiar with the song “Cats in the Cradle,” or want to give it another listen, I’ve also included a beautiful version of the song with Harry Chapin’s introductory comments about the song.

1 Comment

by ardisanelson on January 31, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Relationships & Family

Tagged Christianity, family, healing, hope, leaving a legacy, wounds of the past

Posted by ardisanelson on January 31, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/01/31/leaving-a-legacy-of-healing/

The Denial of ADD/ADHD

Today’s blog post is especially hard for me to publish. I wrote it over a week ago, but was too nervous about publishing it. Then yesterday I sat down to write again and ended up with another post related to the same thing, but with a different twist. God is telling me I need to get this out. If you have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), you will perfectly understand my hesitancy. If not, maybe you can gain better insight about someone you know who has it. So here goes…

In the 2+ years that I’ve been blogging I have only referenced my ADD in two posts, Living in a State of Overwhelm and Using Our Weaknesses. Since writing those posts in the fall of 2012, I’ve pretty much continued to white-knuckle my ADD. After all, I’ve had it all my life, but I haven’t always known it.

Trying Something Different

When I re-entered the therapeutic process last fall, my ADD kept coming up as a major reason behind many of my behaviors and thought patterns. It was pretty eye-opening to me. Then, as I watched my son, who also has ADD and does not take medication, grapple with another challenging year in high school, we jointly decided to give medication a try.

So what’s the big deal? People take medication for ADD all the time. When you live in the shadows of a mentally ill parent like I did with my mother, it influences what you think about the mental health profession and specifically about mind altering medication. The thought of taking medication for ADD hit too close to home for me.

I watched from an early age how my mother was dependent on medication. I watched her deterioration, her delusions, and her impulsive behavior. It scared me and scarred me. I did everything I could all my life to prove that I was not like my mother, going so far as to stuff my emotions and hide who I really was.

Times have changed; and the stigma over mental illness has slowly diminished in America. Besides that, ADD is a neurological disorder, not a psychiatric one. My ADD and my black and white thinking clouded my judgment on that too.

Coming Full Circle

When I entered recovery ten years ago I used Biblical principles and the 12 Steps of Celebrate Recovery (CR) to help me address many of my compulsive (ADD) behaviors and related character defects. However, I didn’t know I had ADD at the time. While attending CR, I was also attending deep healing classes. I still couldn’t really look at my mother wound.

It wasn’t until the passing of my mother in February 2011 that all of that changed. That was the basis and impetus behind writing “Walking My Mother Home” published in Journeys to Mother Love. If you’ve read my story, you know that God gave me miraculous emotional healing and huge revelations in my identity. He gave me the boldness to share my story and to start writing. But that wasn’t the end of the story.

Now in 2014, three years after those revelations and ten years after starting my recovery, I am coming full circle. It took a long time, but God had to put all the pieces into place for me to even consider trying something different—like medication. In the process, I get to model it for my son and support him in his struggle.

We both started taking ADD medication over the holidays. So far, I am very hopeful. Even without changing anything else in my life, I’ve noticed differences in my mental acuity and don’t feel so anxious and overwhelmed. With these simple changes, I have already changed my perspective on the value of medication for ADD.

Hope in the New Year

Living in denial and white-knuckling it just didn’t work for me. It doesn’t work for anyone—whatever their hurt, habit or life-long struggle. Step 1 in Celebrate Recovery reads: “We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Yes, my life has been unmanageable largely due to my ADD for a long time. So in 2014, I am choosing to apply recovery principles and the 12 Steps to this area of my life. In so doing, I am moving toward a deeper understanding of myself, and growing in Christ. I have much Hope in 2014.

What about you? What are you doing in 2014 that gives you hope?

3 Comments

by ardisanelson on January 23, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery

Tagged 12 step, adapting to change, ADD/ADHD, addictions, Celebrate Recovery, Christianity, encouragement, healing, hope, self-care

Posted by ardisanelson on January 23, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/01/23/the-denial-of-add/

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I'm an author, writer, speaker, mentor & mom. I've struggled to find my voice all my life as I lived in the shadows of a mother with mental illness. Thankfully that was not the legacy that she handed down to me. It took a lot of recovery and deep healing work to rise above it.

I am thankful to God for Making Me Bold in the process. Now I use my writing and speaking voice to help others on their journey to turn healing into hope.
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