All posts in category Healing & Recovery

NaNoWriMo Lessons Learned, Part 2 – Personal Takeaways

National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) is over, but my lessons learned will last me a lifetime.  Part 1 of this series was about my writing takeaways.

Lessons LearnedThe personal takeaways were gleaned from hours of writing, researching the internet for historical context, reading old family letters, reviewing old photographs, interviewing people (mostly family) and having heart to heart conversations with my stepmother.  There were many tears shed during these hours and minutes dedicated to writing my memoir last month.  Below are my thoughts on the personal takeaways from my month of literary abandon.

Personal Lessons Learned

  1. I can let go of a desired outcome.  When life or professional obstacles surfaced during the month, I had to make decisions that I knew would significantly affect my ability to reach 50,000 words.  I chose to let go of the word count goal and the coveted bragging rights that go along with it.
  2. I am not a failure or a quitter.  It would’ve been easy to give up when the obstacles started to surface.  Instead I was able to keep my focus on the higher purpose of my writing and stick with it.
  3. I’m not doing this for myself.  If I was, I would’ve quit.  It took an emotional and physical toll on my body, but I kept sensing God’s calling to continue.
  4. I AM doing this for myself.  Ok, I know that is a contradiction to #3, but it’s true.  As I started to see so many patterns and gain insights along the way, it became very prevalent how important this is to my own healing.  It was a gift to myself.
  5. God’s timing is perfect.  Ok, I knew that, but this confirmed it—again.  There were so many coincidences to things going on in my life now with the past that I knew God wanted me to see them at this very moment in time.  (Lots of blog and writing material here.)
  6. God was with me in the past even when I didn’t sense His presence.  He didn’t forsake me even though I forsook Him.  I knew that too, but got new insights along the way.
  7. I was not alone in the process.  I chose to not use the NaNoWriMo online community and instead relied on my friends and their prayers for support.  They were there for me.
  8. God has been equipping me to write this story and to serve Him in bigger ways.  I can and do trust Him to lead me on my writing journey.
  9. Finishing my memoir is not going to be easy.  This is going to take a long time—maybe years—to write, edit, publish, etc.  I need to be patient and consistent—like the tortoise, not like the hare.Writing
  10. I learned that I really do love to write—even though my brain was a bit fried at times—especially after my push the last week of the month.
  11. I have a greater sense of gratitude for the transformation that God has worked in me over the years.  This past month my writing forced me to face many low periods in my life.  I am grateful He has redeemed it and made me whole.

While NaNoWriMo is over, my memoir writing isn’t.  I’m taking December off from my memoir, but not from writing.  In January I will continue with Chapter 7 and my writing pilgrimage—at a much slower pace.  Along the way, I know God will show up and continue to turn my healing into hope.

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by ardisanelson on December 7, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Healing & Recovery, Identity, My Writing Journey, Spiritual Growth
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Posted by ardisanelson on December 7, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/12/07/nanowrimo-lessons-learned-part-2-personal-takeaways/

Birthday Thankfulness

A-R-D-I-S.  I haven’t always liked my name.  In grade school I was the recipient of many taunts as classmates manipulated it into something very unflattering.  Over the years though, I have come to love it and embrace it as part of my uniqueness.  Ardis means fervent–having or showing emotional warmth, ferver or passion.  I am very grateful that God has grown me into that name in recent years.

I contributed a post about my birthday reflections on journeystomotherlove.com.  I hope you enjoy it reblogged here.

Birthday Thankfulness.

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by ardisanelson on November 27, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Identity
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Posted by ardisanelson on November 27, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/11/27/birthday-thankfulness/

The Best Thing I’ve Ever Done | By Linda J. Reed | Guest Post

It was late afternoon and the view was magnificent from my window seat high above Salt Lake City on route to my home in Seattle.  The sun was setting, the snow covered the mountains, and the lake was a perfect skating rink below.  Out of the silence I heard, “I want you to move to Montana and be with Kelly.”  God had spoken.

You see, Kelly is my precious daughter.  She had spent many a summer on her aunt and uncle’s ranch in Eastern Montana, and she loved it there.  It was a safe, peaceful place for her.   As Kelly started high school in Seattle, there were many struggles and troubles, both at school and home.  She desperately wanted to move to Montana, and her aunt and uncle graciously accepted her into their home.

Choosing the Hard Road

During 11th grade, Kelly had her tonsils out and I went to nurse her back to health.  It was ripping my heart out.  I knew I was missing her life.  But, I had a job, and a home, and my friends, and bills, and, and … that’s when God spoke.  I debated with Him.  My main concern was how I would support us.  Sidney is a small town.  Where in the world would I work?  God is God, and, of course, He had the answer.  He dropped into my mind “the school.”  “Oh”, I thought, “the school—that’s a great idea.”  By the time I landed in Seattle I had decided to give notice at my job of six years, rent my home out, and move.  I was going to spend my daughter’s senior year with her in Sidney, Montana!

I won’t pretend that everything was easy, it certainly wasn’t.  I had not been mom for the last two years and I surely couldn’t tell her what to do and not do now.  But I could be available, available to: live with her in our own place, go to every single Varsity Volleyball game to cheer her on, (even the games that were four hours away in blizzard snow storms), I could be there as a proud parent to take pictures at the Senior Prom, go out to dinner with her, do each other’s hair, laugh at goofy movies, ride horses with her, take pictures, and make every holiday special.

The Fruit of Her Labor

One thing my daughter knew; I loved her.  She was more important than my job, my friends, my home, my money, or my comfort.

I did work at the schools.  I was a sub almost every day.  It didn’t pay a lot, but we got by.  We had arguments, and I cried a lot.  I found myself grinding my teeth, had heart palpitations, and missed my friends tremendously.  But, what I got in return was a relationship with my daughter that will last into eternity.  We have a love and a bond that, with God’s grace, will weather any storm.  She trusts me, and I believe in her.  God redeemed what might have been lost forever.  I am so grateful for that still small voice that said “go”, and that I went.

Linda & Kelly on one of their recent travels.

I don’t know what obstacle is holding you back from the relationship God wants you to have with someone you love.  But, I do know He wants to redeem it, to restore it, and make it flourish.

I live back in Seattle now, my daughter and I visit each other, we are traveling buddies, and talk often.  Saying “yes” to Montana was “the best thing I’ve ever done!”

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Linda Reed is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Certified Professional Coach.  Her education, 19 years of experience, and her own healing journey give her empathy, compassion, and insight with her clients.  Well-known for her energy and professionalism,  Linda’s workshops inspire people with tools that give hope to life.  Topics include difficult conversations and setting limits with love.  For more information about Linda, check out lindajreed.com or contact her at stepbystepwithlindareed@gmail.com.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Note from Ardis ~ Thank you Linda for sharing your beautiful story of obedience and restoration as you took risks and invested in your daughter. I have been blessed by your walk of faith.

I’m still slowly making progress on my memoir for NaNoWriMo.  Don’t miss a surprise guest blogger lined up for Thanksgiving Day!

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by ardisanelson on November 17, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Relationships & Family
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Posted by ardisanelson on November 17, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/11/17/the-best-thing-ive-ever-done-by-linda-j-reed-guest-post/

Using Our Weaknesses

When I started this month of literary abandon, I was nervous I’d embarrass myself and come nowhere near the 50,000 word count that qualifies a NaNoWriMo participant as a winner.   After 11 days, I’ve definitely given up any expectation of writing 50,000 words.  But I haven’t given up the quest.

I am being immersed daily in my memoir, even if I’m not physically writing it.  My mind is on it. I’m pondering the events of my past.  I’m looking for themes in my life and considering which events make the most sense to tie together.  I’m listening to recorded interviews, researching historical information online and talking to family who can help me fill in the gaps.  It’s been a very interesting and healing process.

Coincidences?

For instance, I don’t think it is a coincidence that I am considering medication for my ADD/ADHD after white-knuckling it for so long.  I never would’ve considered taking medication before the healing of my mother wounds.  It was too frightening to me.  In my mind, it was like admitting I was mentally ill.  The stigma was too great.

Times have changed and medicine has advanced tremendously since the time when my mother was given electro convulsive therapy (shock treatment) for her schizophrenia in the 1960s.  Taking medication doesn’t mean defeat or that I am crazy.  Sometimes it is necessary.  I’m finding out how people with schizophrenia and other mental disorders can lead successful careers and make significant contributions to society.  In fact, I recently heard that Bill Gates, George Bush and Steve Arterburn have ADD.  How’s that for good company?

As I pondered these ‘coincidences’ in my life, I sensed God lay a new memoir title on my heart.  It stems from a post I wrote on the “Journeys to Mother Love” blog a few weeks ago, “Emerging from the Cocoon”.  Since the first day when I saw the butterfly on the draft book cover, I knew it was the perfect picture to symbolize my emotional and spiritual transformation.

When We Are Weak…He Is Strong

I’ve given my testimony many times at Celebrate Recovery meetings and spoke openly about my healing journey.  I’m no stranger to sharing my weaknesses and in fact God’s power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).  However, what brought me to my knees and into recovery over eight years ago had nothing to do with my mother wounds.

I never thought I’d be publicly known or speak about my mother’s mental illness.  My shame was too great around it and my fears of my own sanity lied precariously on the edge at times.  But now, I know God wants to use the pain of my mother’s mental illness to help others turn healing into hope.  My biggest fear in my identity has been removed and is the foundation from which I can openly speak and connect with others.  It is the compassion and sensitivity—the transformation of my heart—that leads me to write and pursue more of His amazing grace.

So it is with that sense of gratitude and awe that I am digging into my memoir this month with a new working title, “Emerging from the Cocoon: One Woman’s Struggle to Overcome a Legacy of Mental Illness”.  I’m embracing this new season of life and the wonders that God continues to reveal to me as I boldly follow Him.

What’s the theme of your life?  Is God calling you to use your weakness for His glory?  I’d love to hear your comments.

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by ardisanelson on November 13, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Identity, My Writing Journey
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Posted by ardisanelson on November 13, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/11/13/using-our-weaknesses/

Reclaiming the True You

Last year at this time, I attended an all-day workshop developed by Tamara J. Buchan, an author and friend.  The material she shared from her book, “Identity Crisis: Reclaim the True You” was so significant to me, I ended up partnering with her on the book marketing team for a short time before she moved to California.

The identity breakthroughs I had at the workshop changed my life.  I left the workshop empowered to do the unthinkable—to write a book.  Within a few months my short story, “Walking My Mother Home”, was accepted by Cladach Publishing.  The book is still a work in progress.  You can read about my identity breakthroughs in an interview Tamara wrote on her blog at tamarabuchan.com.

Tamara and I at the book launch for “Identity Crisis: Reclaim the True You”, March 2012

Tamara’s book, “Identity Crisis: Reclaim the True You” takes readers through an identity journey which starts with our true purpose and moves to God’s invitation to become his adopted child in the  family of God.  Throughout the book, Tamara challenges us to change our minds about our true identity and to not accept the “orphaned” status that we so often cling to in our daily lives.

Each chapter reveals key principles that help to breakdown the internal barriers and lies we believe about ourselves.  At the end of each chapter, Tamara provides reflection topics and hands-on experiences that help to integrate the teaching through our minds and into our hearts.

I love how the last chapter reviews key points from the previous chapters.  It ties all of the identity roles together and ends with a call to action.  When I reviewed the various identities, it was confirmation of how I’ve been walking out my new identity and re-purposed my writing and speaking for Him.

Tamara’s words in the book are not just words on the page.  They are an invitation to living life differently—to not remain stuck in our heads or full of doubt.  It is an invitation to move forward and live our lives as God designed.

Having worked with and been mentored by Tamara has given me a unique firsthand perspective to witness how Tamara lives her life by these principles.  I have seen Tamara cling to her identity no matter what the circumstances might be.  In the face of life’s unpleasant and painful circumstances, I too, want to be able to stand tall and still declare my identity in Christ.

I was blessed to be able to attend one of Tamara’s workshops as well as read the book.  Earlier this year, Tamara moved from the Seattle area to the San Francisco area.  She is a gifted speaker and holds retreats, workshops, and speaking events that revolve around the spiritual truths in her book.

Regardless of where you are on your spiritual journey, as a long time follower of Christ or a new Believer, I highly recommend reading Tamara’s book, “Identity Crisis: Reclaim the True You”.  Her book will challenge you to start thinking differently and to break free from the bonds that are holding you back from becoming all that God designed you to be.

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by ardisanelson on October 18, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Healing & Recovery, Identity, My Writing Journey, Spiritual Growth
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Posted by ardisanelson on October 18, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/10/18/reclaiming-the-true-you/

“Journeys to Mother Love” Book Launch

The last month has been a whirlwind of activities, culminating with the launch of Journeys to Mother Love, Cladach Publishing, at my Open House last weekend.  The emotions and the stress have been pretty intense.

Also during this month my son transitioned to a new high school, I began a new treatment plan for my ADHD, covered staff vacancies at my husband’s office, and bid farewell to the ministry leader I’ve served with for the last year.  No wonder my body is tired and my mind seems a bit mushy.  So it shouldn’t be a surprise that my writing, including this blog, has been on hold.

The Open House and Book Signing was truly magical for me.  As odd as it may sound, it reminded me of my father’s memorial service a few months ago.  I gave the eulogy and felt wholly unequipped to do so.  But somehow God showed up and anointed my words.  And that is exactly what happened last weekend too.

I spent hours creating the publicity documents, personally inviting friends and creating audio/visual segments for the program.  But when my head hit the pillow in the early morning hours on the day of the event, I didn’t know what I was going to say.  I do work well under a deadline, but that was really cutting it short.  I prayed and trusted that God was going to make it all work out, and He did!

When I awoke, I felt surprisingly alert, fresh and ready to write the program.  My prayers were answered that morning as God seemed to piece it all together in my mind.  There was no time to type it up or to practice.  I jotted some notes down on paper and made a B-line for the event.

I felt calm and at ease as I shared with everyone the key pieces of this story—interwoven with videos accompanied by Pedro’s original piano compositions.  (Pedro González Arbona is my Spanish son who is a key character in the published story.)  The response to the event was extremely positive.  I felt blessed and affirmed to start on this next season of writing and speaking.  I know that these things wouldn’t be possible without the love and encouragement I have received from friends and family along the way.  I am very grateful to them.

My mother has been physically gone for almost two years, but as I wrote in “Walking My Mother Home”, I lost her emotionally over forty years ago.  I still have a few moments when I get caught up in the loss of never really knowing my mother as a person—like when I see or hear about my friends connecting with their daughters—but the journey I’ve been on to wholeness these past two years has led to such amazing peace and joy in my own identity.  And it was with that sense of awe and wonder at how God can turn our healing into hope that I celebrated the launch of Journeys to Mother Love last week.

Since many of you couldn’t attend the Open House, I’m including the video below I created from the event.  I think you’ll agree that it was joyful.  In time I will share the other videos and soundtrack to the story.  Pedro surprised me with the song, “The Launch,” a few days before the event.  I hope you enjoy this lovely composition used with the video.  Thanks for following me on this journey to wholeness.

Where has God turned your healing into hope?  Where has God redeemed your pain and made you whole?  I’d love to hear your story or comments on the video.

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by ardisanelson on September 29, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Identity, My Spanish Connection, My Writing Journey
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Posted by ardisanelson on September 29, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/09/29/journeys-to-mother-love-book-launch/

Walking My Father Home, Part 2

ardisanelson's avatarJourneys To Mother Love

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by ardisanelson on September 17, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Identity, My Writing Journey, Relationships & Family
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Posted by ardisanelson on September 17, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/09/17/631/

Walking My Father Home, Part 1

Having my story, “Walking My Mother Home”, published last month has been such a blessing. Even greater has been the connection of that story to the passing of my father, which led to further healing. Above is Part 1 of the story, “Walking My Father Home”, from the “Journeys to Mother Love” blog (journeystomotherlove.com).

 

ardisanelson's avatarJourneys To Mother Love

My father died at the age of 94, just six weeks before “Journeys to Mother Love” was released. I had hoped he would be able to see the finished book before he passed, but that didn’t happen.

Dad was of the generation that didn’t ever discuss emotions or shower people with compliments. Matters of family were best kept to ourselves. And although he openly shared the stories of his life with anyone in earshot, he definitely didn’t have any desire to have his stories published.

Years before I ever had the thought of becoming a writer, I tried to get my father to document his stories on the computer. I even bought him a book about how to leave a written legacy for our family. He wanted no part of that. Instead he appointed me family historian. I took notes of our conversations and recorded our talks.

His health deteriorated…

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by ardisanelson on September 14, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Healing & Recovery, My Writing Journey, Relationships & Family
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Posted by ardisanelson on September 14, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/09/14/626/

Living in a State of Overwhelm

I have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder).  There I’ve said it and I’m not a secret anymore.  Many of my friends have known this for some time and many more have probably suspected it.  I guess you could say I’ve been in denial about it for many years because I never did anything to specifically treat it and I never got educated on it.

What is ironic about this is that I did start to do research on this a few times in the past.  I have the half-read books by the side of my bed to prove it.  And that’s another symptom that I had it.

Why am I finally coming out of denial about it?  The biggest reason is because my son was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD this summer.  Having his diagnosis gave me the wake-up call that I needed to address my own.  So I am educating myself all about ADD and seeing myself in a totally new light.

My son’s diagnosis was confirmed one week after my father died.  It was a bitter pill to swallow.  My father had always been on the lookout for signs of mental illness in me (like my mother had) and told me a few years ago that he didn’t worry about me any longer.  I’m glad this didn’t surface before he died.  I think it would’ve justified his concerns.

Now that I know, I’m going down a painful road of trying to understand how ADD affects my decision making process and my everyday life.  Sometimes I find myself second guessing what I’ve done in the past—why I chose a certain path.  I wonder how much of my behaviors or actions are based on my God-given gifts or talents and how much are driven by my ADD.  I’ll probably never know.

The one thing I know for sure as I live my life with this new perspective, is that I’d be lost without my years of recovery skills and background.  The tools of Celebrate Recovery, a Christian 12-step program, have helped me to cope with undiagnosed and unmedicated ADD. 

Living with ADD often feels like this.

I’m certain that there are many people with undiagnosed ADD who are addicts of some type of obsessive behavior.  It is the way we medicate because we don’t know how to slow down the chaos in our brains.  It makes our character defects loom larger.  It keeps us in a state of overwhelm most of the time.

That’s the place I’ve been for the last week or so.  When I should be joyful about my story being published, I’ve been isolating and in a state of massive overwhelm from the weight of launching into the publicity phase of my book.  I’m trying to understand myself and trying to be a mother to a son who is entering high school with new challenges ahead of him.  I think it would overwhelm anyone, so I need to give myself grace for this next season of the journey.

I know the Lord accomplished some pretty amazing things in me without my even knowing I had ADD.  So now it’s another opportunity for Him to shine in me post-ADD.  I need to learn to let Him—one day at a time, one moment at a time.  And more importantly, I don’t need to let my ADD define me.

Do you feel overwhelmed (with ADD or life in general)?  How are you coping with it?

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by ardisanelson on September 8, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Identity
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Posted by ardisanelson on September 8, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/09/08/living-in-a-state-of-overwhelm-2/

Learning to Grieve

Grieving is such a subjective process.  If you think about it, most of us have not been taught how to grieve.  There are no preparatory classes for grieving like there are for other major changes in our life, like pre-marital counseling, parenting, childbirth or even becoming a member at your church.  There are a few grief classes like “Grief Share” conducted through churches or at local hospitals, but those are after the fact.

Generally we are thrown into it abruptly and have to figure out how to cope the best way we can.  If you seek professional help with grief or even look it up on the internet, you will learn about the “Five Stages of Grief” introduced by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross.  Depending on the depth of grief one experiences, professional help is generally a good idea—especially if you become depressed or feel hopeless with your loss.

My first experience with death was the loss of my maternal grandmother when I was ten years old.  We had just moved 2,000 miles away from my father and my friends to be near my mother’s side of the family after their divorce.  My grandmother had a heart attack one night while I was staying in her home, they rushed her to the hospital and she died.  I had only known my grandmother a few months but we were inseparable.  I remember crying buckets of tears over that loss.  Over the years, other relatives passed away, but I was not close to them and there was no grieving to speak of.

Then came the death of my father last month preceded by my mother’s passing last year.  With those losses so close together and fresh in my mind, I have found myself pondering the grief process.  After spending a week tending to family matters and the memorial service out of town, my life quickly returned to its normal hectic pace.  I wrote a few blogs about my father’s passing, I sent photos and videos to family members and even listened to a few of my recorded conversations with my father.  For the most part, these things were done void of tears.  Then there were the occasional times where out of the blue I would just cry, for what seemed like no apparent reason.  It has been mystifying to me.

What I am most grateful for in this time of emotional ups and downs is that I am modeling something to my kids that I didn’t have modeled to me growing up.  Both of my sons have caught me in some of these tearful moments.  The first time they witnessed it, I calmly and tearfully explained to them that it is part of a normal grieving process.  Their concern and assurance of their love have helped me to integrate the loss.

The biggest lesson I have learned in my year of grieving was to offer forgiveness and reconciliation with my parents while I still had the chance.  The healing of those relationships made all the difference for me.  Having no regrets has made my grieving process easier.

So how long will the tears last?  I have no idea.  Everyone goes through the stages of grief at a different pace.  I am content with God’s timing on all of this and knowing that one day He will turn all of our mourning into gladness (Jeremiah 31:13).  Until then, I am carrying on with my life and embracing the healing process that God designed for us, one tear at a time.  Those who sow with tears  will reap with songs of joy. Psalm 126:5 (TNIV)

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by ardisanelson on August 8, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by ardisanelson on August 8, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/08/08/learning-to-grieve/

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    I'm an author, writer, speaker, mentor & mom. I've struggled to find my voice all my life as I lived in the shadows of a mother with mental illness. Thankfully that was not the legacy that she handed down to me. It took a lot of recovery and deep healing work to rise above it.

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