All posts in category Identity

A Tribute to Mom, Part 2 – Her Final Gift

When I started writing for a public audience, I knew that many of my initial writings and journal would potentially become published.  They were the basis for much of what I wrote in my story “Walking My Mother Home”, published in Journeys to Mother Love.  One year after the acceptance of that story by Cladach Publishing, and to mark the anniversary of my mother’s passing, I have decided to publically share her eulogy (unedited) as I gave it two years ago today.

It is longer than my normal blog posts, but I hope you’ll indulge me this sentimental opportunity to more publically honor my mother for the sacrifice her life became so that I would be free from the legacy of mental illness.  It was her final gift to me and for that I am incredibly grateful.

Giving the eulogy Mom's Memorial Service, February 2011.

Giving the eulogy Mom’s Memorial Service, February 2011.

And These Were the Words I Spoke

When I think about how my mom impacted my life and the legacy she left me, a variety of things come to mind, some more significant than others.  They have all made me the woman I am today.

I’ll start by sharing a little bit about my favorite times with my mother.  I have many pleasant childhood memories of us living in the Pacific Northwest.  I fell in love with that part of the country as a child and returned to it a few years after I got married.  It has been my home ever since.

When I was young, my family had a trailer and we spent most of our summer weekends at a beautiful state park in Western Washington where I learned how to swim.  After we moved to Portland, we would take the trailer to the Oregon coast.  This is where I hope to scatter her remains.

I have many pleasant memories of her taking us to the beach or to the pool while my father and brother John were out on the boat.  My favorite meal on those trips was always the fresh fried Rainbow Trout.  As an adult I have visited these beautiful places with my children.  Unfortunately, we don’t fish or camp, but I want them to sense the beauty of these majestic places.  Thank you, Mom, for those joyful memories.

My mom gave me my sense of style—always looking for a trinket to accessorize an outfit or to decorate my home.  When her wardrobe turned to hospital type gowns I bought her some scarves to accessorize them so she could have something feminine and special to show off her beauty and individual style.  And today one of those scarves is adorning the flowers.

She also gave me my love of photographs.  I have about 95 pictures lining both sides of the hallway in my home—each school picture of my kids and various family or vacation photos.  I love to take pictures and don’t go very far without my camera.  In fact, my favorite gift to give or receive is a photograph.  I think this ties in well with the sensitive side that I got from my mother.  I used to think I was too sensitive, but now I know that God uniquely wired me this way and it is a gift—something I share with my mother.

Final Remains

Keepsake with final remains.

The most significant impact my mom had on me was instilling in me the love of Jesus.  She was a practicing Catholic and took us to mass and catechism classes every Sunday.  As a young child, I don’t think I enjoyed attending the mass very much.  It seemed long and boring.  I didn’t understand it.  I do have fond memories though of the church changing to a ‘folk mass’ format during those years and really liking that.

When my parent’s marriage started to deteriorate, I also fondly remember the priest, Father Bertram, from the parish taking special interest in us kids.  He would take us out roller skating or to the carnival.  He made us feel very loved.

I left the Catholic Church as a teen and had many years when my faith was pretty non-existent.  Throughout those years, my mom would send me letters with her prayers for me and my family.  All of those prayers were answered when I found my way back to the Lord about 12 years ago.

Today I am forever grateful to her for planting those seeds of faith in me and not giving up on me.  I have a passion for Christ and His ability to transform us if we surrender to His will.  Thank you, Mom.  It is because of your faithfulness that I will join you someday in eternity.

Lastly, I want to share with you my gratitude to God for how he so perfectly ordained the last 18 months of my mother’s life.  My mother had a major stroke that left her partially paralyzed and barely able to speak.  It was a miracle that she survived that stroke.  I believe it was the intercessory prayer of my Aunt Mary, my mother’s sister, that kept her alive so I could see her again.

Since that time we made some very difficult decisions including the decision to put her on a feeding tube.  There were many times that I questioned that decision.  Thankfully though that decision was what opened up the opportunity for me and my brothers, John and Glen, to all see my mom.  We had that family reunion in December 2009.  I have been blessed with the opportunity to see my mom three times since that stroke.  Each time I was able to serve her and love on her in a way that I had never been able to in the past.  These trips were incredibly difficult for me, yet extremely rewarding and joyful at the same time.

Then six months ago, my family opened our home to an exchange student from Madrid.  Our families became fast friends and like family too.  Shortly after Pedro returned to Spain, he found out that his grandmother was dying.  His mother and I have been supporting each other and praying for each other and our mothers ever since.  Even though we don’t speak the same language we do serve the same God.

Pedro’s grandmother passed away 3 weeks ago.  Since Pedro and his family are Catholic, I scheduled a mass to be said for his grandmother.  I also had a mass said for my mother about two weeks ago.  Then a few days ago at the nursing home, someone shared with me, someone who knew her well, how my mother’s countenance changed to a more peaceful state about two weeks ago.  I firmly believe that God answered those prayers.

Cemetary burial of cremated remains. Mom’s final gift to me – freedom of the legacy of mental illness.

At that time, I was also praying that God would make it very clear to me when to return to see my mother—regardless of the outcome.  The time I spent ministering to Pedro’s family throughout their mourning process was really God’s perfect preparation for my mother’s passing.  It wasn’t just what I needed; it was what my mother needed to go in peace.

I’ve been spending time in Catholic mass the last few weeks, lighting candles and shedding tears.  While my heart’s desire may have been to be with her one last time while she was alive, and specifically when she passed, it wasn’t meant to be.  I could chose to be angry at God for that, but instead, I am grateful for the wonderful visits I had with my mom and grateful that I was able to just hop on the plane regardless and honor my mom this one last time.  I praise God for this opportunity, for the strength that He has given me to get through these days and that my mother is now in heaven with Carmen, Pedro’s grandmother.  They are both at peace.

Living Out My New Identity

Giving that eulogy in front of a room full of people I barely knew or didn’t know at all was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life.  But like answering the call and writing my manuscript, I knew I had to do it.  It was an act of obedience.

It was a painful process to return home and integrate these new identity revelations into my life.  I accepted the uniqueness that God gifted me with and started seeing the world through the new lens of healing and with hope for the future.  Gone was the fear that I was mentally ill.  Today I am still grounded in my identity and uniqueness and don’t shy away from expressing my sensitivity or my faith.  This blog is one of the fundamental ways in which I maintain that voice.

While I’ve gotten used to being vulnerable in recovery circles and on my blog, it feels pretty risky to share my mother’s eulogy online.  So, if you got this far in the post, I hope you’ll take a moment to ‘like’ this post or share any comments below.  And if your relationship with your mother needs repairing, just remember that it is never too late for reconciliation and forgiveness.  Just pray and partner with God.  He will give you the strength and courage to do it.  (Philippians 4:13).

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by ardisanelson on February 12, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Identity, My Spanish Connection
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Posted by ardisanelson on February 12, 2013

https://ardisanelson.com/2013/02/12/a-tribute-to-mom-part-2-her-final-gift/

A Tribute to Mom, Part 1 – Answering the Call to Write

Today marks the second anniversary of my mother’s passing and with it come the bittersweet memories of the events that led to her death.  My healing took a huge step forward the days immediately following her passing.  The identity revelations and significance of that healing were painstakingly shared in my mother’s eulogy.  (See Part 2 of this series to read more.)

While flying home later that day, the Lord nudged me to start writing about all of these miraculous things.  And so my manuscript, “Walking My Mother Home”, published in Journeys to Mother Love, was born that day in my journal on the flight home from St. Louis.

My Mom, circa 1955

My Mom, circa 1955

Fast forward one year later to January 2012.  When my grief was still fresh, I wrote and submitted my manuscript to Cladach Publishing.  As a new writer, I had many doubts about my ability to write that piece. Yet I knew when I submitted the manuscript that this story had to be told.  I released the outcome of that submission, as I had the timing of my mother’s death the year before.

Confirmation of the Call 

The day I received notice from Cladach Publishing that my story was accepted was like a kiss from heaven above and confirmation of the call to write.  The timing was perfect, January 30th—sandwiched between the anniversaries of both Rosa’s and my mother’s passings.  It was a gift from God to be able to honor our mothers in this poignant way with the publishing of our story.

I never dreamed any of these things were possible.  In fact, as I prepared for my mother’s passing, one of the main things I somewhat selfishly desired was for my life to get back to normal.  Earlier this week while in a period of self-care and reflection, it all seemed to hit me, and I let the tears flow.  The death of my mother brought nothing close to normalcy in my life.  I was radically transformed from the inside out.  My family and I have both had to adapt to these changes.  Quite honestly, as glamorous as it may seem at times, it hasn’t been easy.

A New Normal

I have accepted that the writing, the speaking, the sharing of my story and my Spanish connection are part of my new normal.  It was a gift that I was open to receiving when I released my mother’s life to the Lord two years ago.  So I blindly answered the call to write in honor of my mother and in obedience to Him.

My Mom, a silver haired beauty.

My Mom, a silver haired beauty.

I never take for granted that the Lord put all these steps in motion on my journey.  He placed the desire to write on my heart many, many years ago.  When the timing was right, He gave me a story that would touch the lives of others in similar situations.  I have received many comments and feedback on how this story (and the book in general) has touched people’s lives.  When the times are rough, that is what I remember most.  It reminds me that God is using my pain for His glory.

Whether our stories are publically shared in print or privately amongst friends, our stories of faith are a gift from God.  Be ready to share your story of healing, never forget, and watch God redeem it.  You never know how He will use it or when.

3 Comments
by ardisanelson on February 8, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Identity, My Spanish Connection, My Writing Journey, Relationships & Family
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Posted by ardisanelson on February 8, 2013

https://ardisanelson.com/2013/02/08/a-tribute-to-mom-part-1-answering-the-call-to-write/

What Are Your Memory Stones?

As I age each year and the significance of life events seem to take on more meaning, I am gathering more and more memory stones for my journey.

What is a memory stone?  It is a Biblical reference to a type of marker—usually tangible—that we keep as a remembrance of God’s activity in our life.  One such Biblical reference is in Joshua 4:19-24, about a time in Israel’s history when God did a significant thing—he parted the Jordan River to allow the Israelites to cross into the Promised Land.  The twelve stones that were left on the other side (one for each of the twelve tribes of Israel) were left as a memorial—or spiritual marker—for future generations.

January is of course a time when people often reflect on the milestones over the previous year, make resolutions and rededicate their lives to new areas for growth.  For me, January also comes with bittersweet memories of several significant spiritual markers.

Collecting Memory Stones

I didn’t pay any attention to these spiritual markers until my life hit a dramatic wall in January 2004.  That was when I was demoted from my job.  I am grateful for that life changing event though, as that event led me out of denial and into recovery.  Last night I celebrated that milestone by accepting a 9-year coin (memory stone) at a local Celebrate Recovery (Christian 12-step) meeting.9 year CR coin

But that is not all I celebrated as January came to an end.  I celebrated the one year anniversary of having my story, “Walking My Mother Home”, accepted by Cladach Publishing (exactly eight years to the day after my demotion).  In January I also celebrated the anniversary of the receipt of Pedro’s first song and finding out he was a composer.  I prayerfully remembered the passing of Rosa’s mother.  I celebrated a significant trip to Wisconsin five years ago that led to identity revelations as I poured through the personal effects of my late Aunt Ardis.

New Stones to Treasure

My latest memory stone, a heart shaped stone, was received last week at the end of a 4-day spiritual retreat in California led by Tamara J. Buchan and based on her book, Identity Crisis: Reclaim the True You.  I left there feeling energized and renewed in my purpose and more firmly grounded in my identity in Christ.  (I had multiple revelations that in time may surface in my blog.)

Two of my significant memories stones.

Two of my significant memories stones.

As if to wrap all of these January memory stones together with a bow, this week I had yet another reminder of how special the last few years of my journey have been.  During my dedicated weekly time of prayer at a Catholic Church, I wrote my thoughts on the last page of a beautiful leather bound journal.  My first entry in that journal was in that same church after Rosa’s mother passed away. I have reserved it for my times with God.  The journal in itself is a beautiful memory stone that I will always treasure.

The final words God gave me as I finished this book of prayers and meditations were these:  “Your life used to revolve around the payroll calendar (in reference to my secular job and demotion).  Now your life revolves around Me and the liturgical calendar.”  It was music to my ears as the words flowed from my pen.  For this I am grateful.

So you see, memory stones come in all shapes and sizes.  What they have in common is the memory they hold to encourage you on your journey—to never forget what the Lord has done for you.

What kind of memory stones do you keep and what does it represent to you?

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by ardisanelson on February 2, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Identity
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Posted by ardisanelson on February 2, 2013

https://ardisanelson.com/2013/02/02/what-are-your-memory-stones/

Expectant Hope, Part 1 – California Dreamin’

The day started with expectant hope.  I had less than two hours of sleep yet I awoke feeling refreshed. When my head hit the pillow a few hours before, I prayed that no matter how many hours of sleep I had that I would feel refreshed.  Starting the day with answered prayer definitely put a spring in my step.  I showered, dressed and finished packing for my trip.  I arrived at my friend Linda’s house at 5 AM—a few minutes earlier than our appointed meeting time—more answered prayer.

Linda and I were heading to the San Francisco Bay area for a 4-day spiritual retreat, led by Tamara Buchan.  The days leading up to the retreat, I was stressed trying to handle the ever growing list of tasks to do before I left.  I couldn’t even get excited for the trip.  But once we got situated on the plane, I finally felt free to turn my undivided attention to this quality time with my friend.

I poured through the travel guide on things to do for our one-day pre-retreat adventure in San Francisco.  My one and only trip to San Francisco was over 20 years earlier and only a vague memory.  As I read through all of the sightseeing options, I was overwhelmed with all the possibilities.  We agreed on a few key sights—the cable cars, Fisherman’s Wharf, Ghirardelli Square, Lombard Street and a sightseeing cruise on the Bay.

Waiting in traffic for an hour and peering out over the Bay, I wondered about our photo opportunities with the haze that was looming in the distance.  By the time our boat left the dock, the sky was clear and the sun was shining.  As the boat approached the Golden Gate Bridge, the photo opportunities grew and grew.  With one camera and two cell phones, we snapped away—capturing the bridge from different angles.  It was a picture-perfect day on the Bay.  We weren’t even bothered by not being able to hear a word that the guide said over the loud speakers.  It was enough to just take in the beauty of the day and this place.

An unexpected pleasure, checking off a bucket list item in San Francisco.

An unexpected pleasure, checking off a bucket list item in San Francisco.

“Check”, I thought as we departed the boat.  I don’t have a physical bucket list (list of things to do before I die), but that would definitely be on it.  I’m not sure why, but I have always wanted to have my picture taken with the Golden Gate Bridge in the background.  It is iconic.  I was there before, but with no photo to prove it, the experience and memory had faded.  This was truly satisfying.

We ended the day with a leisurely late night dinner—sharing our hopes and dreams.  I needed this day.  I needed these reminders of the little things—basking in the beauty of God’s creation and man’s architectural wonders.  I have expectant hope.

Each day can be a bucket list kind of day.  It all depends on how we view it.  Do you view each day as a gift from God or as a painful reminder of what-ifs and what might’ve been?  I have expectant hope that He is going to use me in bigger ways this year.  I am nervous about it all—yet excited about the possibilities.

My trip to California is an investment in my self-care and to prepare me for the next steps toward the dream that God has put on my heart.  I’m stepping into more unknown territory with expectant hope.  I’m ready to see where God leads me and what I can check off my bucket list next—whether it be just living another day or traveling to Spain this summer.  I’m doing some California dreaming—and checking off an unexpected gift on my mental bucket list.

Have you done anything fun from your bucket list?  What was the last thing you checked off?

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by ardisanelson on January 23, 2013  •  Permalink
Posted in Faith & Hope, Identity
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Posted by ardisanelson on January 23, 2013

https://ardisanelson.com/2013/01/23/expectant-hope-part-1-california-dreamin/

NaNoWriMo Lessons Learned, Part 2 – Personal Takeaways

National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) is over, but my lessons learned will last me a lifetime.  Part 1 of this series was about my writing takeaways.

Lessons LearnedThe personal takeaways were gleaned from hours of writing, researching the internet for historical context, reading old family letters, reviewing old photographs, interviewing people (mostly family) and having heart to heart conversations with my stepmother.  There were many tears shed during these hours and minutes dedicated to writing my memoir last month.  Below are my thoughts on the personal takeaways from my month of literary abandon.

Personal Lessons Learned

  1. I can let go of a desired outcome.  When life or professional obstacles surfaced during the month, I had to make decisions that I knew would significantly affect my ability to reach 50,000 words.  I chose to let go of the word count goal and the coveted bragging rights that go along with it.
  2. I am not a failure or a quitter.  It would’ve been easy to give up when the obstacles started to surface.  Instead I was able to keep my focus on the higher purpose of my writing and stick with it.
  3. I’m not doing this for myself.  If I was, I would’ve quit.  It took an emotional and physical toll on my body, but I kept sensing God’s calling to continue.
  4. I AM doing this for myself.  Ok, I know that is a contradiction to #3, but it’s true.  As I started to see so many patterns and gain insights along the way, it became very prevalent how important this is to my own healing.  It was a gift to myself.
  5. God’s timing is perfect.  Ok, I knew that, but this confirmed it—again.  There were so many coincidences to things going on in my life now with the past that I knew God wanted me to see them at this very moment in time.  (Lots of blog and writing material here.)
  6. God was with me in the past even when I didn’t sense His presence.  He didn’t forsake me even though I forsook Him.  I knew that too, but got new insights along the way.
  7. I was not alone in the process.  I chose to not use the NaNoWriMo online community and instead relied on my friends and their prayers for support.  They were there for me.
  8. God has been equipping me to write this story and to serve Him in bigger ways.  I can and do trust Him to lead me on my writing journey.
  9. Finishing my memoir is not going to be easy.  This is going to take a long time—maybe years—to write, edit, publish, etc.  I need to be patient and consistent—like the tortoise, not like the hare.Writing
  10. I learned that I really do love to write—even though my brain was a bit fried at times—especially after my push the last week of the month.
  11. I have a greater sense of gratitude for the transformation that God has worked in me over the years.  This past month my writing forced me to face many low periods in my life.  I am grateful He has redeemed it and made me whole.

While NaNoWriMo is over, my memoir writing isn’t.  I’m taking December off from my memoir, but not from writing.  In January I will continue with Chapter 7 and my writing pilgrimage—at a much slower pace.  Along the way, I know God will show up and continue to turn my healing into hope.

3 Comments
by ardisanelson on December 7, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Healing & Recovery, Identity, My Writing Journey, Spiritual Growth
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Posted by ardisanelson on December 7, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/12/07/nanowrimo-lessons-learned-part-2-personal-takeaways/

NaNoWriMo Lessons Learned, Part 1 – Writing Takeaways

30 days and nights of literary abandon is a pretty accurate assessment of NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month).  As a result, November was a total blur to me!

By the end of the day on November 30, I reached my personal writing goals for the month: over 30,000 words (90 pages) on my memoir and getting through 6 tough chapters of personal highs and lows in my life.  I also kept up with my other writing and marketing commitments (another 30,000 words), dealt with some pressing family matters and celebrated my birthday.  Needless to say, I am thrilled with the result.

Writing a bookI started the month hesitant on what to expect, but knew I needed to get off the fence about my memoir.  I started it over a year ago and only wrote a few pages.  I needed this deadline to get moving again. My biggest fear was failure.  It had nothing to do with the possibility of not hitting the 50,000 word threshold.  It was about starting to write and then giving up half-way through the month.  I faced that fear and so much more last month.

As a former project manager one of the key meetings we held as a team at the completion of a project was the lessons learned debriefing.  It was a valuable tool to bring closure to the team, the project, and to move forward with new insights.  My NaNoWriMo project was also full of lessons learned for me—personally and professionally.  I’ll start out with the ‘easy’ lessons learned related to writing.

Writing Lessons Learned

  1. I am a writer. Despite my being published earlier this year, I had occasional doubts about my ability to write.  Over 30,000 words and six chapters later, I put an end to that thought.
  2. I can discipline myself to write.  I set up a schedule to write (or research my memoir) and stuck to it most days.  I now have a distraction free space in my home to continue.
  3. Writing takes a lot of work and is a big commitment.  No more giving lip service to it.  I’m committed to this project.
  4. Writing is a process.  I’ve heard that many times over the past year, but didn’t really understand it until this month.  (This lesson learned is worthy of an entire blog on its own.)  If you are a writer, you know exactly what I mean.
  5. Memoir writing should not be rushed.  There are many nuggets and insights to be gleaned from looking at your life.  By definition, a memoir is a reflection upon key life experiences that make up the person.  When you rush through the writing, it is easy to miss it.  I kept a separate journal of my ‘aha’ moments and processed as much as I could, but it was pretty overwhelming.
  6. Memoir writing is not for everyone.  It includes a painful process of self-examination.  You have to be willing to relive both the good and the bad.  You have to reveal your inner struggle and be vulnerable or else readers won’t be able to identify with your story.  (Again, not for everyone.)

This month long writing exercise was a great opportunity to jump start my memoir.  The result wasn’t necessarily pretty, but it served its purpose for me.  Stay tuned for Part 2 to read about the deeper more personal lessons learned while on my NaNoWriMo adventure.

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by ardisanelson on December 5, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Identity, My Writing Journey
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Posted by ardisanelson on December 5, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/12/05/nanowrimo-lessons-learned-part-1-writing-takeaways/

Birthday Thankfulness

A-R-D-I-S.  I haven’t always liked my name.  In grade school I was the recipient of many taunts as classmates manipulated it into something very unflattering.  Over the years though, I have come to love it and embrace it as part of my uniqueness.  Ardis means fervent–having or showing emotional warmth, ferver or passion.  I am very grateful that God has grown me into that name in recent years.

I contributed a post about my birthday reflections on journeystomotherlove.com.  I hope you enjoy it reblogged here.

Birthday Thankfulness.

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by ardisanelson on November 27, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Identity
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Posted by ardisanelson on November 27, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/11/27/birthday-thankfulness/

Using Our Weaknesses

When I started this month of literary abandon, I was nervous I’d embarrass myself and come nowhere near the 50,000 word count that qualifies a NaNoWriMo participant as a winner.   After 11 days, I’ve definitely given up any expectation of writing 50,000 words.  But I haven’t given up the quest.

I am being immersed daily in my memoir, even if I’m not physically writing it.  My mind is on it. I’m pondering the events of my past.  I’m looking for themes in my life and considering which events make the most sense to tie together.  I’m listening to recorded interviews, researching historical information online and talking to family who can help me fill in the gaps.  It’s been a very interesting and healing process.

Coincidences?

For instance, I don’t think it is a coincidence that I am considering medication for my ADD/ADHD after white-knuckling it for so long.  I never would’ve considered taking medication before the healing of my mother wounds.  It was too frightening to me.  In my mind, it was like admitting I was mentally ill.  The stigma was too great.

Times have changed and medicine has advanced tremendously since the time when my mother was given electro convulsive therapy (shock treatment) for her schizophrenia in the 1960s.  Taking medication doesn’t mean defeat or that I am crazy.  Sometimes it is necessary.  I’m finding out how people with schizophrenia and other mental disorders can lead successful careers and make significant contributions to society.  In fact, I recently heard that Bill Gates, George Bush and Steve Arterburn have ADD.  How’s that for good company?

As I pondered these ‘coincidences’ in my life, I sensed God lay a new memoir title on my heart.  It stems from a post I wrote on the “Journeys to Mother Love” blog a few weeks ago, “Emerging from the Cocoon”.  Since the first day when I saw the butterfly on the draft book cover, I knew it was the perfect picture to symbolize my emotional and spiritual transformation.

When We Are Weak…He Is Strong

I’ve given my testimony many times at Celebrate Recovery meetings and spoke openly about my healing journey.  I’m no stranger to sharing my weaknesses and in fact God’s power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).  However, what brought me to my knees and into recovery over eight years ago had nothing to do with my mother wounds.

I never thought I’d be publicly known or speak about my mother’s mental illness.  My shame was too great around it and my fears of my own sanity lied precariously on the edge at times.  But now, I know God wants to use the pain of my mother’s mental illness to help others turn healing into hope.  My biggest fear in my identity has been removed and is the foundation from which I can openly speak and connect with others.  It is the compassion and sensitivity—the transformation of my heart—that leads me to write and pursue more of His amazing grace.

So it is with that sense of gratitude and awe that I am digging into my memoir this month with a new working title, “Emerging from the Cocoon: One Woman’s Struggle to Overcome a Legacy of Mental Illness”.  I’m embracing this new season of life and the wonders that God continues to reveal to me as I boldly follow Him.

What’s the theme of your life?  Is God calling you to use your weakness for His glory?  I’d love to hear your comments.

8 Comments
by ardisanelson on November 13, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Identity, My Writing Journey
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Posted by ardisanelson on November 13, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/11/13/using-our-weaknesses/

NaNoWriMo–I’m Diving In!

If someone asked you how long you thought it would take to write a book, how would you answer?  Six months?  A year?  Two years?  What would you think if someone told you they were going to write a book in 30 days?  Would you think they were crazy?

That’s what I thought a year ago when I first heard of National Novel Writing Month, NaNoWriMo for short.  I couldn’t fathom what would motivate a person to do such a thing.  Yet one year later, I am registered to participate in this writing free-for-all along with thousands of other writers around the world (9,500 in Seattle alone)!

November 1 kicks off the start of National Novel Writing Month.  The tag line on NaNoWriMo.org is “Thirty days and nights of literary abandon”.  Abandon means to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation.  That is a scary prospect—to write with that sort of intensity for a month.  The goal is to write 50,000 words in 30 days.  That averages out to 1,667 words per day.

Why would I decide to take on such a big project at this juncture of my writing career?  I need a deadline to get me moving on my next book project.  I’ve been so busy with the release of my story in Journeys to Mother Love this year that my memoir has been on hold.  (If you follow my story, you know that my trip to Spain next summer is a big piece of the writing.  I want to get a skeletal draft of the book done before then.)

Help Along the Way

Thankfully, I will not be alone in this endeavor.  There is a huge online community of other “NaNo” writers.  Last year there were 256,618 participants and 36,843 crossed the finish line.  Finishers get a winner certificate–a hard earned award and coveted milestone on their writing resume.  That is a huge accomplishment.  Win or “lose”, I’ll be further along on my project than I am now.

NaNoWriMo.org is full of tips and support for this month long undertaking.  The main one I have embraced is telling everyone that I am doing this.  The theory behind doing so is to motivate us to avoid humiliation if we don’t cross the finish line with 50,000 words.  That’s a sobbering thought.

I think more than the possible embarrassment of not completing NaNoWriMo is the regret I would feel for not having tried this.  And that brings me to the best piece of advice I’ve found yet; do this for yourself.  So that is what I am doing.  I will be pouring a labor of love into myself this month.  I am searching for the nuggets that need to be called out of my story to share.  I am getting in touch with lost parts of my identity.  I am writing to share the hope and encouragement that following Jesus brings into the deepest parts of our soul.

Letting Go of All Expectations

So if NaNoWriMo is the vehicle I need to get me off the fence, then I’m all in.  I imagine it will turn my life upside down for the next 30 days—including Thanksgiving and my birthday.  I’m telling my friends to not expect to see me, but to pray for me.  I will need lots of encouragement.  (I hear week 2 is especially hard.)

In preparation for this dedicated writing, I have lined up some guest bloggers to fill in for me.  These women have all expressed an interest in writing and blogging.  They have been a source of encouragement to me along my writing path.  I know you will enjoy their stories and what they have to say about how they walk out their faith.

My newest writing prop. All set to write 50,000 words in 30 days.

Other than that I have no idea if I will do an occasional post, do updates on Facebook or just fast from all social media and other possible distractions.  I’m trying to let go of all expectations.

Tomorrow, I am taking my next big leap of faith.  As I do the words to “Dive”, a song by Steven Curtis Chapman, are running through my mind.  Like the song says, “sink or swim, I’m diving in”.

Wish me luck, send me notes of encouragement, or better yet, pray that regardless of how many words I complete over the next 30 days that I stay in touch with the bigger purpose that I believe God is calling me too—and that I do it one day at a time.

5 Comments
by ardisanelson on October 31, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Faith & Hope, Identity, My Spanish Connection, My Writing Journey
Tagged , , , , ,

Posted by ardisanelson on October 31, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/10/31/nanowrimo-im-diving-in/

Reclaiming the True You

Last year at this time, I attended an all-day workshop developed by Tamara J. Buchan, an author and friend.  The material she shared from her book, “Identity Crisis: Reclaim the True You” was so significant to me, I ended up partnering with her on the book marketing team for a short time before she moved to California.

The identity breakthroughs I had at the workshop changed my life.  I left the workshop empowered to do the unthinkable—to write a book.  Within a few months my short story, “Walking My Mother Home”, was accepted by Cladach Publishing.  The book is still a work in progress.  You can read about my identity breakthroughs in an interview Tamara wrote on her blog at tamarabuchan.com.

Tamara and I at the book launch for “Identity Crisis: Reclaim the True You”, March 2012

Tamara’s book, “Identity Crisis: Reclaim the True You” takes readers through an identity journey which starts with our true purpose and moves to God’s invitation to become his adopted child in the  family of God.  Throughout the book, Tamara challenges us to change our minds about our true identity and to not accept the “orphaned” status that we so often cling to in our daily lives.

Each chapter reveals key principles that help to breakdown the internal barriers and lies we believe about ourselves.  At the end of each chapter, Tamara provides reflection topics and hands-on experiences that help to integrate the teaching through our minds and into our hearts.

I love how the last chapter reviews key points from the previous chapters.  It ties all of the identity roles together and ends with a call to action.  When I reviewed the various identities, it was confirmation of how I’ve been walking out my new identity and re-purposed my writing and speaking for Him.

Tamara’s words in the book are not just words on the page.  They are an invitation to living life differently—to not remain stuck in our heads or full of doubt.  It is an invitation to move forward and live our lives as God designed.

Having worked with and been mentored by Tamara has given me a unique firsthand perspective to witness how Tamara lives her life by these principles.  I have seen Tamara cling to her identity no matter what the circumstances might be.  In the face of life’s unpleasant and painful circumstances, I too, want to be able to stand tall and still declare my identity in Christ.

I was blessed to be able to attend one of Tamara’s workshops as well as read the book.  Earlier this year, Tamara moved from the Seattle area to the San Francisco area.  She is a gifted speaker and holds retreats, workshops, and speaking events that revolve around the spiritual truths in her book.

Regardless of where you are on your spiritual journey, as a long time follower of Christ or a new Believer, I highly recommend reading Tamara’s book, “Identity Crisis: Reclaim the True You”.  Her book will challenge you to start thinking differently and to break free from the bonds that are holding you back from becoming all that God designed you to be.

7 Comments
by ardisanelson on October 18, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Healing & Recovery, Identity, My Writing Journey, Spiritual Growth
Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Posted by ardisanelson on October 18, 2012

https://ardisanelson.com/2012/10/18/reclaiming-the-true-you/

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    I'm an author, writer, speaker, mentor & mom. I've struggled to find my voice all my life as I lived in the shadows of a mother with mental illness. Thankfully that was not the legacy that she handed down to me. It took a lot of recovery and deep healing work to rise above it.

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