All posts in category Identity

For a Heart Blessed with the Sound of Music

At the beginning of the year, I crossed another item off my bucket list—well, sort of. I’m a big fan of the film The Sound of Music. My actual bucket list item would be to take the Sound of Music tour in Salzburg, Austria, where the movie was filmed 50 years ago. But since that is fairly unlikely, I did the next best thing. I attended a Sound of Music Sing-A-Long at the 5^th Avenue Theater in Seattle on New Year’s weekend.

What is a Sound of Music Sing-A-Long?

I first heard about this event from the special features section of my Sound of Music DVD. They showed a sing-a-long at the Hollywood Bowl in California. People dressed in costumes and participated in various sing-a-long theatrics while the movie was showing (similar to what is done for The Rocky Horror Picture Show). It was a comical idea, but I didn’t think I’d ever actually go to one.

Then last fall when I wrote The Little Girl Inside, a post about the significance of the Sound of Music to me and how it intersected with my trip to Spain, I searched for the sing-a-long event online. I filed the Seattle event away mentally, not sure if I could free up the time over the holidays or who would want to attend.

As the days quickly passed toward the New Year’s weekend, I vacillated between going by myself, inviting others, and not going at all. I ended up going by myself, and I’m so glad I did. I didn’t quite know what to expect at the event. I was having a rough time emotionally over the holidays and didn’t know how I would react to the production. I wanted to experience it privately, so to speak—or at least to be anonymous in the crowd of strangers. It was such a memorable event in so many ways.

What happened at the Sing-A-Long?

When I arrived at the theater, I immediately saw people dressed up for the costume contest. Thankfully they were in the minority. There were nuns, people dressed in lederhosen, children dressed as the Von Trapp family, etc. The contest preceded the movie.

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Before the movie started an announcer appeared on stage to give us instructions on how to use the goody bag items during the movie. This was not a passive movie-going experience. And you weren’t expected to just sing, you were to interact with the movie at prescribed times as well.

The announcer and his assistants demonstrate gestures for “Do, Re, Mi”.

Other interactive ways we participated were when specific characters appeared on the screen:

For Maria, we cheered.
For the Nazi’s, we booed.
For Rolf, the love interest of Liesl, we barked like a dog, “ruff, ruff”.
For Baroness von Schraeder, we hissed.

And every once in a while someone in the audience would shout out a humorous remark. There were other ways that we interacted with the movie as well, but I won’t spoil it for others who may opt to go in the future, which I highly recommend doing.

Props from the goody bag: a swatch of curtain fabric, Edelweiss,
an invitation to the ball, a party popper for the ‘big kiss’, and flash cards.

On a More Serious Note

For me the best part of the event was the opening scene of the movie. It started out with the announcer making comical comments and shouting to Maria, but his antics were quickly overshadowed by the grandeur of the movie.

The movie opens with the camera panning over breathtaking views of the Alps and Salzburg, Austria. It eventually zooms in on Maria, played by Julie Andrews, coming up over the crest of a hill onto a grassy knoll. The instrumental prelude for “The Sound of Music” main theme song is building in the background when Maria bursts out singing with her arms stretched wide:

“The Hills are alive with the sound of music,
With songs they have sung for a thousand years,
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music,
My heart wants to sing every song it hears…

…I go to the hills when my heart is lonely,
I know I will hear what I’ve heard before,
My heart with be blessed with the sound of music,
And I’ll sing once more.”
© 1959 Rogers & Hammerstein

I was lost in the moment as the song naturally flowed from my lips in perfect sync with Julie Andrews’ glorious voice, and the voices of over 2000 other enthusiastic movie fans. A few tears were shed as I was overtaken by the magic and emotion of this sentimental memory from my childhood. At the end of the song, the theater burst into applause, which they did after every song just like it was a live performance.

If you’ve never seen the movie, or you want to experience the opening scene from a sing-a-long perspective, watch this short video.

The lyrics were highlighted word by word for each song in the movie.

Singing Once More

A buried part of me came alive when my mother passed away three years ago; and music was a part of that awakening. I encourage you to find the hidden treasures that are buried within you as well—the little creative things that give you joy. When you do, embrace it as a special part of who you are. And maybe like me, you’ll sing once more.

This post is listed on Christian Mommy Blogger/Fellowship Fridays and Missional Women/Faith Filled Friday.

4 Comments

by ardisanelson on March 1, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Identity

Tagged encouragement, following your dreams, healing, hope, identity, Julie Andrews, living in the moment, music, self-care, The Sound of Music

Posted by ardisanelson on March 1, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/03/01/for-a-heart-blessed-with-the-sound-of-music/

A Love Letter to Mom & Annual Tribute

I’ve come to annually mark the passing of my mother by writing her a letter. This year I was at my annual winter scrapbooking retreat amongst friends—just like I was the day before I got word of my mother’s passing in 2011. Again I was working on my mother’s tribute album.

Setting the Stage to Write

Three years later this scrapbook remains part of my healing process as it retraces my steps before and after she died—the visits back home, meeting with her health care providers, making end-of-life decisions, giving her eulogy, and burying her remains. It is the visual story that was eventually published in Journeys to Mother Love. It is a beautiful tribute album—not necessarily for others’ eyes, but something between my mother and me.

This year the anniversary letter was harder to write than last year. After my arrival at the retreat, I was told that Wanda, the woman who has organized and run these retreats over the years, wasn’t going to be joining us. Her husband who suffered with Parkinson’s had taken a turn for the worse and was put on hospice. His end of life was very near. It hit us all by surprise, and gave us an opportunity to privately lift her in prayer and share our own feelings about this sad turn of events.

For me the timing hit too close to home as our discussion turned to end-of-life decisions and the role women often provide in caring for our loved ones. On the outside I was listening to the conversation, but in my mind I was back at my mother’s side caring for her at the nursing home on one of my visits back home. It was as if my bittersweet memories from before were now being lived out by Wanda and her family. Sadly, her husband passed away a few days later.

Embracing the Grief

It was in that context of grief, that my letter to my mother freely flowed through my fingers to the keyboard, and with it a few well-earned tears. I know my mom can’t physically answer my letter, but something tells me she’ll find a way to let me know she received it.

Below is an excerpt of that letter. I hope it inspires you to do the same for someone you love—past or present—and let your healing turn to hope.

A Love Letter to Mom

“Dear Mom,

I admire your perseverance. You lived a long life. Fate hit you a terrible blow when you suffered your nervous breakdown at the age of 35, and me as well, when I was six. Our journeys to emotional healing both started that day.

Now 48 years later I am approaching mine in a new way, with a different battle plan in place. No more white-knuckling it. I am choosing to take medication (for my ADHD).

…Anyway, Mom, the point of all this is that your passing put all of the pieces together for me to even consider this route for me, and for my son (who also has ADHD). I am now an advocate for him. I am an advocate for myself. I am learning more about ADHD and how to help both of us.

I don’t know what lies ahead for us as we journey down this road on medication. I don’t know what it was like for you. I’m saddened that I never got to talk to you about any of this. I’m saddened that I didn’t get to know you as an adult. I’m saddened I didn’t really get to know you.

But I wanted you to know that as horrible as your life was for so many years after the nervous breakdown, the divorce, in and out of mental hospitals, etc. that it has served to help me to fight for myself and my son now. I am more open to trying and exploring how I can lead a more normal life with the support of medication. I am taking back control of my life and my emotional health.

So I thank you Mom for not leaving me a legacy of mental illness. You left me a gift that I get to integrate into my life. That gift is the gift of perseverance and hope in the Lord through all things.

I know what I am going through is important and life changing. I know there are many others like me who have also suffered in silence as they lived in the shadow of mental illness.

I love you Mom. Thank you for persevering to the end and giving life back to me in the process.

Love,
Ardis”

Peace to you and your family Wanda, from your scrapbooking sisters.

Updated 6/1/2014: Wanda’s husband passed away a few days after the scrapbooking weekend. Through a sad turn of events, Wanda also passed away a few months later. Remembering Wanda is the tribute I wrote to our dear friend and scrapbooking mentor.

This post is listed on Christian Mommy Blogger/Fellowship Fridays and Missional Women/Faith Filled Friday.

11 Comments

by ardisanelson on February 19, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Identity, My Writing Journey, Relationships & Family

Tagged encouragement, family, fear, God, gratitude, grieving our losses, healing, hope, identity, Journeys to Mother Love, leaving a legacy, letter writing, love, mother love, saying goodbye, scrapbooking

Posted by ardisanelson on February 19, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/02/19/love-letter-to-mom-annual-tribute/

A Tribute to Mom, Part 2 – Her Final Gift

This week marks the 3-year anniversary of my mother’s passing. Last year I shared her eulogy on my blog. It continues to be the post with the most hits (interest). I am sharing it again to commemorate the sacrifice my mother’s life became for me. May it inspire you to turn your healing into hope.

Making Me Bold

When I started writing for a public audience, I knew that many of my initial writings and journal would potentially become published. They were the basis for much of what I wrote in my story “Walking My Mother Home”, published in “Journeys to Mother Love”. One year after the acceptance of that story by Cladach Publishing, and to mark the anniversary of my mother’s passing,

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Stop, Look & Listen to God

On New Year’s Day 2014, I attended mass at a local Catholic Church. I suppose it may seem like a strange thing for a Protestant to do, but it has become commonplace for me on special occasions. It was the perfect time for God to show up and remind me of what brought me here in the first place, and to give me direction for the New Year.

The Fruit of Spiritual Growth

It was three years ago this month that He put the wheels in motion for my first step into this church. Within weeks God brought about the amazing revelations and healing that led to my writing “Walking My Mother Home” published in Journeys to Mother Love. So I sat in church reflecting, and taking in the significance of how God has aligned so many events and brought so many people in my life these past several years that led to my unique walk of faith.

One place of my reflection and prayer in Spain on the island of Mallorca, July 2013.

There are too many to thank here, but they know who they are: pastors, support group leaders, and men and women of faith, here and abroad. They encouraged me to follow where God was leading me, to reclaim my identity, and to live missionally. They planted seeds of righteousness in me. They fertilized my dreams of bringing Glory to God through my writing and my voice.

After 13 years of actively seeking spiritual growth and ten years of recovery, they have supported me in my journey to turn my weakness into victory, and my brokenness into a personal ministry of compassion for the poor in spirit.

A Word from the Lord

“What’s next, Lord?” I asked during a moment of silent prayer in church. The word He immediately gave me was ‘STOP’. It wasn’t to stop serving or reaching out to others. It was more like ‘stop, look, and listen’.

In all of my excitement about going to Spain last year, it wasn’t unusual for me to get ahead of God or to start acting on something that really wasn’t the right time. Case in point, I thought I was supposed to speak in Spain and eagerly jumped into setting up talks and honing my speaking skills.

“Not now,” He lovingly told me. “But, but, but…” I knew I had to let go and trust Him.

The other word that God gave me for 2014 was ‘reflect’. That doesn’t sound like a hard thing for a contemplative to do. I spend hours in prayer every week; so what’s the difference this year? God reminded me recently of a scripture that He gave me when all of these amazing things started to happen. It was Luke 2:19, “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.”

I have gotten away from that posture in the past two years. I was so excited about traveling to Spain, being a first time author, and Pedro’s music success, that I haven’t slowed down much to just take it all in. It is a normal part of my life now, but there are times that I forget to do as Mary did. Don’t act on it, just treasure it.

Treasures of the Heart

God made some pretty big deposits in my heart these last few years. He has given me new dreams for the coming year and beyond. This year I want to be more deliberate in noticing when to stop, look, and listen for His guidance. I want to abide more and react less. Maybe that even means not being so bold on my blog, sharing so much, or so often.

Whatever it takes, I want to be in alignment with God’s will for my life and to wait for His perfect timing. Hopefully by the end of 2014, I can attest to His building the fruit of patience in me like never before. And I’ll have more things to treasure in my heart for the coming year.

What is your focus for 2014?

8 Comments

by ardisanelson on January 15, 2014 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Identity, Spiritual Growth

Tagged Catholic, Christianity, encouragement, following your dreams, gifts, God, hope, identity, letting go, obedience, prayer, Protestant, spiritual journey

Posted by ardisanelson on January 15, 2014

https://ardisanelson.com/2014/01/15/stop-look-listen-to-god/

The Reality of Culture Shock

I’ve heard it said that ignorance is bliss. After my summer in Spain, I’d have to say that ignorance is definitely not bliss.

With all the physical, mental, and spiritual preparation I did for my trip, I never once thought to research what it was like to live in a foreign country. I heard of culture shock, didn’t really know anything about it except for the general term, and didn’t think for a moment that it was something I needed to be aware of.

Beautiful monuments, statues, cathedrals, and architecture–constant visual reminders that I wasn’t in America. (Plaza Mayor, Madrid)

What is Culture Shock?

Merriam-Webster.com defines culture shock as “a sense of confusion and uncertainty sometimes with feelings of anxiety that may affect people exposed to an alien culture or environment without adequate preparation.”

All the while I was in Spain; there were no outward signs of culture shock. I thought I was adjusting well to all of the changes in environment (except the heat). My host family repeatedly told me how well I fit in with the Spanish lifestyle. But inside there was something much deeper going on. I pushed the anxiety and the doubts about what I was going through aside. I took each day as a new day to experience Spain, and document everything I could in any free moment I could steal away to myself.

Acting like a stereo-typical tourist, while also fitting in with the Spanish lifestyle, Madrid

My Quest for Answers

After I returned home, I did some research on what it is like to physically live in a foreign country. I found out that culture shock is a real psychological phenomenon. I stumbled upon it while doing research for some of my earlier posts about Spain.

There is a lot on the internet about culture shock, and this is not intended to a be a lesson about it. I did find out though that there are four phases: honeymoon, negotiation, adjustment and mastery. Clearly I never made it to a point of mastery, but was definitely trying to quickly adapt through the other three phases. Another source listed them as stages: wonder, frustration, depression and acceptance. Just as surprising to me was finding out about reverse culture shock. All of this explains why I had a hard time re-entering my life in the U.S. and also explains the bouts of depression I experienced.

The psychological effects of culture shock.

In my quest for answers to what I had gone through, I started to follow blogs of other non-natives living in Spain. I found sites from ex-pats living in Spain, ESL teachers, pilgrims journeying on the Way of St. James, and the like. It was a relief to be able to observe their experiences, communicate with them, and most importantly to know that I was not alone in what I was going through.

I’ve also spoken with some missionary friends. One pointed me to an article on “trailing spouse syndrome”. I had never heard of that either, but reading that served as another relief for my emotionally weary soul.

Brave or Naïve?

Many people have told me that I was brave to go to Spain alone like that. Every time someone said that I thought, “but I won’t be alone.” I was going to live with people I already knew. Little did I know how this would affect me.

I think that since Pedro, our Spanish host son, so easily adapted to family life in America, and never said anything or showed any evidence of his own culture shock, I just took it for granted that my transition would be smooth as well. He fit in with us so easily; I think I forgot he was Spanish.

Being brave? No, it’s just a unique way of mailing a letter. (Toledo, Spain)

I am so grateful to my Spanish family for hosting me and opening up my eyes to life in their country. I miss Spain. I miss my Spanish family—all 26 of them. I know I’ll return someday and am already planting those seeds for a trip with my husband.

So was I brave or naïve in journeying to Spain for six weeks last summer? It was definitely brave! I have no regrets—only gratitude to my heavenly Father for the experience, the lessons, the love, and the hope He has given me for how He wants to use it for His glory.

Showing off my bravery by eating new foods–pulpo de gallego, a Spanish favorite (Octopus Galician style)

4 Comments

by ardisanelson on November 13, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Identity, My Spanish Connection, My Trip to Spain

Tagged adapting to change, culture shock, educational exchange program, God, gratitude, hope, identity, letting go, living abroad, My Spanish Connection, Spain, struggle

Posted by ardisanelson on November 13, 2013

https://ardisanelson.com/2013/11/13/the-reality-of-culture-shock/

Living in the Shadow of Mental Illness

It’s no secret that my mother was mentally ill—not now anyway. I’ve written about it on my blog and was the basis for my published story in Journeys to Mother Love (Cladach Publishing). Chapter 8 in the Table of Contents reads: Distanced by Mental Illness, Walking my Mother Home, by Ardis A. Nelson. There it is; my lifelong struggle in black and white on the page for all to see.

Chapter 8 is my story.

I’ve heard from many people how they resonated with my story. It is usually in regards to how they are caring for a loved one at the end of life or it touches an accord with those whose parent has died. It gives them hope and encouragement for the journey no matter how recent or faraway the experience was.

Distancing Myself

My story isn’t just about how I re-established contact and cared for my mentally ill mother at the end of her life though. The bigger story is how I distanced myself from getting to know myself as well. At 53 years old, it is what I am still working through. It is the theme of the memoir that I hope to someday have published.

The Bible tells us in Matthew 10:38 that as followers of Christ we all have a cross to bear. My cross seems to be the legacy that I have of living in the shadows of a mother who had mental illness. Even though I had amazing healing when my mother died (as mentioned in my published story), I can still revert to my negative way of thinking and seeing things through the filter of mental illness in my family.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Many people live in the shadow of mental illness. They were raised in a family with a parent who was mentally ill. Or maybe they grew up hearing stories about crazy Aunt Sue or Uncle Joe. I know I did; and it wasn’t just about my mother, but others in the family as well.

When I was growing up there was a huge stigma attached to mental illness. There were barbaric practices perpetuated on mental patients—witness the movie, “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” from 1975.

Jack Nicholson’s character receiving shock therapy, a barbaric practice, in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”

I saw that movie in the theater when I was 15. The movie hit way to close to home as my mother was in and out of mental hospitals and had shock therapy when I was in elementary school. Watching that movie scared me and maybe even scarred me emotionally.

Last November when I started work on my memoir as part of National Novel Writing Month, NaNoWriMo, I watched that movie again for the first time in over 30 years. It wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be, but I think that was because I watched it more for historical reasons and for context in my memoir writing. In other words, I detached myself from my emotions. I thank God that wasn’t my fate.

Emotional Highs and Lows

At this stage of life with hormones raging out of control, it is hard at times to not let that dark cloud and fear of mental illness grab a hold of me. It seemed to hit me particularly hard after my time in Spain. It’s no wonder.

The movie is still playing, although at times it may feel like it’s over.

I’ve been on an emotional high the last few years as I stepped into the world of publishing as a first time author, launched Pedro’s professional music career, and prepared for my trip to Spain. It has often felt like a dream to me—or as I’ve openly expressed—like a movie with Pedro’s music as the soundtrack.

Three months after my return home, I’ve finally re-adjusted to life in America. As I slowed down and re-focused my attention on my own self-care, at times it felt like the credits scrolled by on the screen and the music stopped playing. Just like in the theater, all that was left was the mess on the floor to clean up—most notably a body that was exhausted and sometimes depressed.

Rejecting the Lie

I’m discovering some profound things about myself as I work through this next layer of healing. I know it is what God is requiring from me so that He can more fully use me for His bigger purpose. As I do, I am clinging to my identity in Christ and not some worn out lie or stigma.

Are you believing a lie from your past? Who will you believe—our heavenly Father who loves you, or the Evil One, the thief and father of all lies? What are you doing to flip the switch in your thinking?

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10, NIV)

Breaking the Silence & Letting Go

Two months after my return from Spain I still haven’t been able to piece together what to write about how my trip relates to the continuation of my story in “Journeys to Mother Love”. Over the last few years I’ve openly blogged about it and told my friends how significant this trip was for me.

I was meeting Rosa after three years of waiting, praying, emailing, Skyping and planning. She learned English to facilitate our face to face communications. Except for the post I wrote about my first day in Spain, I have been silent about that part of my trip, and the writing in general.

At the Alcala Gate with Rosa, Madrid.

As a writer, that silence on my blog feels deafening. I had so much expectancy for this trip and so much riding on the outcome. I even wrote a post on journeystomotherlove.com, A Match Made in Heaven, on my anticipation for this journey. But now I am struggling with what and how to write about it. Writer’s block? Maybe, but I’m inclined to think there is more to it.

Letting go of Expectations

Early on in my trip, I realized I had to let go of the expectation that I would write about Rosa’s side of the story—what happened in Spain when prayers were sent from America in the midst of her sorrow. While Rosa showed me places that were significant with her side of the story, like her parents’ home (which was also her childhood home) and the church where her mother’s funeral was held, God revealed to me that the story I am to tell is more about my journey. Rosa was a conduit for my healing. We were both blessed by our mutual encouragement and prayers.

Taking the tram with Rosa from Soller to Palma, Mallorca, for a day of sightseeing.

When I stepped on Spanish soil I was ready to experience the trip of a lifetime. I was open to experiencing God in a new way. I had already let go of so many expectations—like not professionally speaking while there and not having the Spanish translation of my story published in advance. I decided to trust God for His purposes for this trip.

While I was in Spain, the Lord slowly stripped me of much more. The biggest thing for me to surrender was how much my identity has been wrapped up in my writing and the publishing of my story. I went with the expectation that people in Spain could relate to my story, like they have in America. I was grateful for the few opportunities to give away copies of Journeys to Mother Love. Outside of those times, I felt very invisible as a writer and in my faith. A lot of that was also because I didn’t know the language well enough either.

One copy of my book graces the book shelves at my apartment in the Port of Soller, with the best reading view of the Mediterranean, August 2013.

Before I was a published author, I knew God wanted to use my story. I knew He was making me bold (witness my blog name). But being in Spain led me to question much of that and my writing.

In hindsight, I think a lot of it had to do with the cultural and spiritual differences between our countries. They became more real and visible to me. I know now that the only way I could see that and understand it was to be stripped of that part of me and my voice. It was a painful process—one I’m still trying to integrate. I know He is transforming me again.

Moving Forward

42 days is a long time to explore a country. I had the most amazing escapades while in Spain with my host family. I had wonderful adventures in Madrid, Toledo, Segovia, Granada, Cordoba, Seville and on the island of Mallorca. I have 5,000 photos that bring my trip and so many special memories back to life for me.

In time some of that will show up on my blog. I don’t doubt that God wants to use my story or this trip in some way. He has given me new insights into my journey. He has given me new insights into the writing process. Meanwhile, I am clinging to my identity as a child of God and learning to let go (again). I am grateful for the journey—the good and the bad—and what lies ahead.

Do I want to know what that is? Am I nervous about it? Do I want to control it? Absolutely! I can only take one day at a time and trust that He’ll use the story He is crafting in me to inspire others to turn healing into hope. As He does, I know He’ll release me to break more of the silence along the way.

Farewell dinner at my apartment in the Port of Soller, Mallorca, Spain.

España Update 9 ~ Home Sweet Home

Homeward bound—Seattle, Washington. My day of travel started over 16 hours earlier with a bittersweet farewell between me and my Spanish family. Now I was at JFK International Airport in New York after completing two flights, surviving a bomb scare in Madrid, and avoiding an international incident on my transatlantic flight.

Re-checking my Luggage

As I departed the U.S. Customs area with my 100 pounds of luggage, minus the confiscated Iberian ham, I had a decision to make. Do I immediately re-check my baggage for my final flight or do I follow my suspicions and search my luggage to determine if anything was stolen?

Seeing the Starbucks at JFK airport was a welcome reminder that I was almost home.

Why do I think I was robbed? During the inspection by the U.S. Customs agent, I noticed my belongings were strewn around in my suitcase with receipts scattered amongst my clothes. When I packed my suitcase the night before, they were wrapped up in a jewelry bag. The thought of it gave me a sick feeling in my gut.

As I mulled over my options, I followed the crowd and queued up in the line to re-check my baggage. The line was moving swiftly, and it was looming large behind me. Before I knew it, I was at the head of the line. I was so exhausted and emotionally beat up after my Customs experience, I just didn’t have it in me to re-open my suitcase and face my fear. I plopped my suitcases on the conveyor belt and pushed any thoughts about my jewelry and personal belongings being stolen out of my mind.

The Last Leg

Thankfully the layover at JFK was void of any further airport hassles or problems. The time passed quickly as I ate, then emailed, phoned, and texted friends and family while charging my mobile phone. I was exhausted yet thrilled to speak in English and connect with the voices of people I hadn’t communicated with in six weeks.

My flight from JFK to Seattle was uneventful, but it seemed to last for an eternity. The 5½ hour flight was on a Boeing 737 where I was squished like a sardine. Compared to the Airbus A330 from Madrid, I was feeling very claustrophobic, and sleep was very haphazard. I missed the start of the movie and my mind was done with writing after hammering out seven pages on my flights.

Seattle welcoming committee

It was nighttime as the plane descended into SeaTac International Airport. I’d been chasing the sun for the last 24 hours of travel. And now I was watching the city lights of the beautiful Seattle skyline below. “Almost home”, I thought as I fought the tears welling up inside of me.

A Musical Reminder of Spain

On the way to meet my family at the baggage carousel, I made a stop in the ladies room. While in there, I was totally caught off-guard when I heard one of Pedro’s compositions playing. “Oh my gosh,” I thought as my adrenaline spiked through the roof. “How is it possible that his music is playing on the sound system?”

I laughed out loud when I figured out that it was really just the ringtone on my cell phone. I hadn’t heard my phone ring in six weeks. On top of that, I had inadvertently changed my ringtone while in Spain. Laughter aside, it reminded me of the potential of his music and that being broadcast more publicly is just a matter of time. After all, he signed his first contract to compose for an American full feature film while I was in Spain.

Family Homecoming

I was a puddle of tears when I met my family at the baggage claim. I clung to my 16-year old son and hugged him lovingly. “Hola” may have been the first words out of my mouth, but I reverted back to my American hugs versus the European double cheek-kiss that I’d become accustomed to over the last six weeks. I needed those first few lingering hugs from my son and my husband.

Although I was exhausted and more than ready to head to bed, I knew I had a big surprise awaiting me at home. While I was gone in Spain, my home was undergoing a major renovation. My family endured a complete remodel of the kitchen and two bathrooms. They had been putting the finishing touches on the house in time for the big unveiling when I walked in the door. It was a beautiful homecoming gift.

Welcomed home and back to America with a bouquet of flowers and a new kitchen.

Facing my Worst Travel Fear

After a restless night of sleep and an early awakening by the sunlight, I knew I had to face my fear lurking inside my luggage. Was anything stolen from my suitcase? The quick answer to that is yes.

Almost everything was gone from that jewelry bag—nothing of great monetary value, but the pieces were from places I’d traveled in my life that had significance to me. Thankfully I was wearing the necklace Rosa gave me while traveling (the one I reference in my published story). I was also wearing a special charm bracelet that connects me to Rosa. I was relieved when I found out that the thieves missed a second bag of jewelry buried in my clothes and some new jewelry pieces I bought in Spain.

My new Mallorcan pearls survived the theft.

It took me a few weeks of phone calls with the airlines to file a claim and find out that none of my stolen items were covered by insurance. Going through that process was like being robbed and defiled all over again, but it gave me the closure I needed so I could put it all behind me.

Final Travel Thoughts

Returning back to America on day 42 of my travel adventure had nowhere near the excitement I had when I ended my flights in Spain on my first day. There was no adrenaline rush to keep me going—only exhaustion, physical illness, and unpleasant travel memories.

My trip to Spain changed me internally and now it was as if these external factors—a bomb scare, my confiscated Iberian ham, and finally my stolen jewelry—were trying to rob me of my joy and leave me with an unfavorable parting impression of Spain.

These physical events have served as fodder on my blog, but they also have much deeper significance. I hope it serves as a reminder of the choices we have to make when things don’t go the way we expect. We can blame others, ourselves, or even God.

I know that my circumstances don’t define me. It is my identity in Christ that does. While the thieves physically robbed me of my jewelry, my identity in Christ remained intact.

My trip to Spain has changed me in ways I can’t even fully articulate yet—with emotional and spiritual insights and healing. I am being made new and choosing to boldly follow him in the adventure. I hope and pray you will too.

My final day in Spain and the view from my apartment, Port of Soller, Mallorca

~ This completes my “España Update” blog series, but not my intermittent writing about Spain. If this is your first time visiting my blog, you can start reading about my Spanish travels here.

6 Comments

by ardisanelson on October 7, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Identity, My Spanish Connection, My Trip to Spain

Tagged adapting to change, Christianity, educational exchange program, encouragement, family, God, identity, letting go, living abroad, My Spanish Connection, Pedro Gonzalez Arbona, Spain, struggle

Posted by ardisanelson on October 7, 2013

https://ardisanelson.com/2013/10/07/espana-update-9-home-sweet-home/

In the Blink of an Eye

Three months ago when I stepped on Spanish soil, I had to make many decisions about how to live in that country. I had to quickly adapt without the benefit of having my American family or friends with me. I chose to fully immerse myself in everything Spain.

I put aside my allergen sensitive diet and ate most everything I was offered. At first I didn’t notice any dramatic symptoms. I was fighting the heat, dehydration, and jet lag. I guess I was dealing with culture shock as well, but didn’t realize it at the time.

“You made it to Spain! You are experiencing the trip of your life. Don’t miss a second of it.” Those were the words that kept me going. Adapt, adapt, adapt. Push, push, push. “It’s only six weeks,” I reminded myself. All the while that I partook, my body registered everything that was happening.

My trip of a lifetime, seeing sights like the Roman aqueduct from the 1st century, Segovia, Spain.

Now That I’m Home

I returned home from Spain in early August and was again dealing with adjustments back to my American lifestyle and diet. But after the first few weeks, I didn’t bounce back to my old normal self. I knew something was physically wrong. A trip to the naturopath confirmed what I suspected. My Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) was in relapse.

I’ve been here before. I know it is a slow process to get back up and running to a normal pace—one that includes lots of self-care, body work, and giving myself grace to not push so hard. I have no regrets. It just goes to show that you never know when or how things can suddenly change in your life.

Back in Spain

Case in point, a few weeks after I left Spain, Rafa, Pedro’s father, had a stroke. It came as a big shock to me and, of course, to their entire family. Thankfully Rafa got treatment right away. He is doing much better and a full recovery is expected.

Queen for a day, with Rafa as my escort at the Royal Palace in Madrid.

Naturally it took me back to the fears I had after my mother’s stroke. She never regained her speech or use of the right side of her body. It also felt like déjà vu to me as I lit a candle in the Catholic Church for Rafa and fervently prayed for this family. My heart ached for Rosa again, and for the burden that fell upon the family while still caretaking for Perico, Rosa’s father.

On the bright side, I was so grateful to have personally met Rafa before this happened. I was thankful for the many special times I had with this family, and Rafa in particular.

Rafa was a wonderful host and tour guide while on my travels throughout Spain. He is an avid shutterbug like me and took lots of great photos of my trip. He was also my protector in many ways—even going so far as to escort me one Sunday morning on the subway so I could attend a Protestant Church service. I am thankful for his generosity to me and am praying for his continued recovery.

In the Blink of an Eye

A few years ago, I used to have a tag line as part of my email signature block that read: Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks. (Regina Brett) It was a little reminder to trust God when things didn’t go as I expected.

Nothing surprises God. He knows what lies ahead for us. It is up to us how we are going to respond to it.

As I am coming out of denial and learning to accept what I did to my body again, I am believing in God’s promises and clinging to the hope that He offers. His words to me, and others who are hurting in physical and emotional ways, are from a familiar Bible verse: “but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” (Isaiah 40:31, NIV)

I can blink without worry because my hope is in the Lord.

2 Comments

by ardisanelson on September 27, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Identity, My Spanish Connection, My Trip to Spain, Relationships & Family

Tagged adapting to change, Christianity, encouragement, God, gratitude, hope, identity, letting go, living abroad, My Spanish Connection, self-care

Posted by ardisanelson on September 27, 2013

https://ardisanelson.com/2013/09/27/in-the-blink-of-an-eye/

Hitting a Home Run for Recovery

After my second viewing of the movie “Home Run” a few days ago, I’m left thinking about the face of recovery and why so many people sit in denial about their issues. By issues I mean unhealthy habits like hiding their hurts, medicating their pain, isolating, and trying harder to make life fit their demands.

Cory Brand, the main character of the movie, played by Scott Elrod, is one such person. He is a major league baseball all-star who is forced to face his alcoholism after a DUI and team suspension. In recovery circles, we call it hitting bottom. It is not a pleasant moment in one’s life, but for those who choose recovery as a result, and work through a 12-step program, their lives are transformed. I know because I lived through it myself.

Breaking Through the Wall of Denial

Through the use of vivid flashbacks, the movie shows the pain of Cory’s upbringing, as he lived with an alcoholic father who expected perfection from his son at an early age. The scenes are hard to watch at times as you feel for what Cory went through (rated PG-13). These painful reminders drive Cory to drink and lash out in anger, unwittingly repeating the generational curse of his father.

Cory is like many of us who have found recovery. We don’t come easily or quietly. Our denial runs deep. What struck me in this story, was that despite his being mandated by his team to attend a 12-step program as a condition of his suspension, he doesn’t embrace it until later on in the movie. He just goes through the motions. His life continues to spiral out of control until he finally realizes he can’t do it on his own. That is the point in which one really starts recovery—coming out of denial.

Why Recovery?

Step 1 of Celebrate Recovery reads: “We admitted that we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.” That brings me to a misconception that is dealt with in a powerful way in the movie. Recovery gets a bad rap because most people think that recovery is for “those” people. You know who I mean—alcoholics, drug addicts, and people who REALLY have problems. That is so far from the truth. I won’t give away the story, but suffice it to say, that just because someone is a Christian or lives their life in a Godly manner doesn’t mean they’ve had it easy. We all carry hurts inside of us, and we all have to deal with life’s problems.

Celebrate Recovery – A Christian 12-Step Program

Celebrate Recovery (CR) is a Christian 12-step program that helps people with their hurts, habits and hang-ups. It’s for anyone who struggles in life. Typical struggles that people address at CR are anger, fear, grief, guilt and shame, holding on to the past, inability to forgive, isolation, need to control, finances, eating disorders, alcohol or substance dependency, pace of life, rejection, relationship problems, sexual addiction, stress, and emotional, physical, sexual or spiritual abuse.

CR is often described as guided sanctification. That’s just a fancy theological term for becoming the person God intends for us to be. CR gives one tools to take responsibility for our actions, offer forgiveness to those we have hurt, forgive ourselves, learn to lean on others for help, and to give back from a grateful heart. All this transformation comes through the power of the Holy Spirit and a relationship with Jesus that is core to this biblical program.

See the Movie for Yourself

In my opinion, “Home Run” hits a big home run for recovery. It is a realistic view at how turning our lives over to Jesus brings about healing, wholeness and transformation. It brings about freedom from our past and hope for the future. In Cory’s situation, it gave him a chance to restore a broken relationship, giving him a new lease on life.

Even if recovery isn’t for you, I’m sure there is someone you know who needs a program like Celebrate Recovery. With the end of baseball season looming, it’s the perfect time to view this movie. “Home Run” is available on Blu-Ray/DVD, on demand, or watch it online on youtube. To find a Celebrate Recovery program near you, click this link. You or someone you know will be glad you did.

1 Comment

by ardisanelson on September 11, 2013 • Permalink

Posted in Faith & Hope, Healing & Recovery, Identity

Tagged 12 step, addictions, Celebrate Recovery, Christianity, feeling defeated, forgiveness, God, gratitude, healing, hope, movie review, struggle, transformation

Posted by ardisanelson on September 11, 2013

https://ardisanelson.com/2013/09/11/hitting-a-home-run-for-recovery/

WELCOME to my site!

I'm an author, writer, speaker, mentor & mom. I've struggled to find my voice all my life as I lived in the shadows of a mother with mental illness. Thankfully that was not the legacy that she handed down to me. It took a lot of recovery and deep healing work to rise above it.

I am thankful to God for Making Me Bold in the process. Now I use my writing and speaking voice to help others on their journey to turn healing into hope.
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